and now, the end is near...

apparently the last blog post was written on 25 october! sweet lord! apologies all round. sincere apologies. have been feeling pretty uninspired with the end of school looming, thesis hand in, holiday plans, graduation, holiday internships etc. i now have no excuse, and this will just be a short one looking back on the year that was 2010.

looking back on the year that was, i must admit that this has been a pretty phenomenal one. not only in terms of us as a nation joining as one during the world cup, and making our country and ourselves proud, but in terms of self exploration, self discovery, self annihilation and self acceptance. and i hope i am not only talking about myself, but of everyone reading this post.

2010 provided opportunities for one to explore their own personal paradigms. explore the world around them.i know that i took these opportunities for what they were, and learnt so much more about who i am and what i want, than i have in the past 4 years put together at varsity, which is pretty damn awesome, and a little disturbing at the same time. i have had the opportunity of meeting some incredible people, and being exposed to some amazing scenes, which have only contributed to the moulding of my soul. some relationships have died, old ones have been rekindled, and new ones have formed. all being just as important as the next, and a further indication that that is how life works, and with it, how we develop and grow as people. so thank you to you all.

and with the end of 2010, has come the culmination of 4 years of hard work at university. school work and life work. one just as important as the other. and with the end of this chapter, a new one must begin. filled with new characters, perhaps a new storyline, a new mood. who knows? that is the beauty of the new chapter. its exciting, yet eerily daunting, and i know that there are so many of us who are about to turn that page, not really knowing what to expect. some have an inkling, others (such as myself), are jumping into uncharted waters and have no idea what the future holds for them. but for me, although it is as scary as hell, it is the most exciting thing ever as it is the first time in my life that i get to decide what the next chapter will be all about. i have the opportunity to write it as i read and experience it, fuckups and all.

so, to 2010, thank you for everything. for showing me to the world that i want to experience, introducing me to the people who i need to learn from, and exposing a part of myself to me. the good times and the bad times have all played a critical role in making 2010 the year that was felt. and boy, did i feel it!!! it really was here!

and in the words of kanye west (and it pains me to even type this out, but this is one thing that he has said that makes sense to me):

Let's have a toast for the douchebags,
Let's have a toast for the assholes,
Let's have a toast for the scumbags,
Every one of them that I know
Let's have a toast for the jerkoffs
That'll never take work off

Happy 2010 to you all. i hope it was as liberating, phenomenal, incredible and painful as mine was.

see you all in the new year! behave yourself, by leaving your car keys, geese and names at home when you head out.

but hey, #imjussayin

rabi

rules of social etiquette

as we grow up we are taught what to say, how to say it, how to act, what to do, what to wear, and how to think. there is a large guideline as how to one should act in certain situations, and appropriate measures for conducting one's behaviour. and this guideline is pretty helpful in keeping some sense of social order in the so-called crazy world we live in. we all know what to expect in certain situations. what to do. and how to react.

im cool with this...to an extent. i can adhere to the rules of the masses. i mean, like i said, it does keep some sense of order. but when it comes to how i must conduct myself, while only endangering myself, then i have an issue. let me explain, and then we can discuss....

i was born without a social filter, and have very little understanding of social subtext. no, but really. if i think back as a kid, i always did what i did when i wanted, and even though some actions were frowned upon by others, i never understood why they should care, or why in fact, it bothered them. i remember this particular incident in grade 7: there were about 70 of us in a school meeting type thing, and i really had to...um...you know...haveababyfart. and what i thought, and planned, to be a small one, actually surprised me...and the rest of the hall. so, i just proclaimed loudly that i was in fact the dodgy dealer, and apologised for my rudeness, and let the meeting continue. but what i remember not understanding was why everyone was embarrassed for me, when i wasnt even remotely embarrassed for myself. i rationalised it all by telling myself that i had done something completely human, and that what happened wasnt a big deal at all. i owned it, and didnt give 2 shits about what the others thought or felt.

now dont get it twisted, im not advocating happily farting in public. sometimes the occassion just doesnt call for it. what i am getting at here, is that one should be able to do and act the way they feel even if it goes against what society pegs as 'right' or 'wrong'.

with these social guidelines, people end up being restricted in what they can and cannot say. and with that, when they say what is really on their mind, its frowned upon. which is something i dont truly understand. if we are constantly being encouraged to be free in terms of what we say, do and think, then why is it that when we do just that, we get the stank eye?

there have been countless times when i have said something that i thought was honest and okay, and have received that 'look'. the one of judgment, disgust and for some obscure reason, pity. my thoughts are that if im not embarrassed by what i am saying, and can happily own it, then why is it an issue on the other side. ok, now it sounds like im advocating hate speech. i really am not. all the crap that i do say is rarely in a negative light. the point that im trying to drive home, is once again, that one should be able to say what they want. full stop. and not let their thoughts and actions be dictated by society's guidelines.

i have even been told that i cant decipher social subtext from the other side. i am useless. but i think thats a flirting thing, which i will address another day. but i really am useless. my thing is that if you are interested in someone, instead of just being straight up and saving eachother times, airtime, and just general rollercoaster feelings, one feels the need to play some kind of game that has been designed by the social BoD. but once again, this is a discussion for another day.

ok, this must seriously be a horrible read cos my thoughts are all over the show, but i really just needed to jot them down somewhere, and share them. open the floor in fact, and see if im just being crazy, or if we can cultivate a new social world where people are not afraid to just be, and with that be honest and open, and not be scared or embarrassed to be themselves. yes? no? maybe?

but hey, #imjussayin

rabi

free spirited with a dollop of control?!?

I have a journal and a blog…neither of which I write in, seemingly. Not entirely sure which of those two this is going to end up in. If you are reading it then I obviously decided to post it… or you are creeping my journal which is a generally frowned upon thing to do.

This picture is completely unrelated, but it made me laugh.

Despite this calm façade, I am a control freak. There, I said it, heave a sigh of relief. This is something I have always known and something that my nearest and dearest have stumbled upon over the course of knowing me. Also… disclaimer *this is not “control freak” in the sense that I am particularly concerned about what other people do or about controlling other people- this is more personal, I like to be firmly in control of myself. Which could sound weird… who else would be in control?! Anyway, this is specifically the case when I experience emotions that drag me out of neutral- either positive or negative. Once I have gotten over the shock of something external actually having the gall to affect me, (Rabi and) I, in a state of panic, retract and have an overwhelming instinct to run. This is however, not always possible (I do think that if we had the entire world’s money nobody would see us for dust) so we go on protracted missions of finding ourselves (again) by doing things that we wouldn’t ordinarily do. I have, for example, gone through a hiking phase, a museum and art gallery phase and the tried and failed “let’s just get drunk and see how we feel in the morning” phase- not the best of the above.

An aside…I think this is going to the blog… I have been missing in action and Rabi has been dropping uncomfortable hints ;-)

The point of this entry, I think (it is still a work in progress), is that I have for the past few months been experiencing a very strong and very beautiful emotion that has taken me places I didn’t think I was able to go to. I have heard about these places like I have heard about the Loch Ness monster- I didn’t buy it, but have since discovered that that shit is very real... not the monster… I am getting lost in this metaphor…

To link the very strong very beautiful emotion to the control freak/ Ussain Bolt instinct: Up until now, the chances of any emotion with its origins on the “outside” finding its way in AND surviving the Bolt instinct has been lower than Burkina Faso’s GDP. This has since changed, not to say that the instinct isn’t there- I think it probably always will be- just that it has seemingly finally met its match...

#imjussayin

i think that we might get on

Simply, knowing you exist aint good enough for me
But asking for your telephone number seems highly inappropriate
Seeing as I can't even say hi when you walk by
And that time you shook my hand it felt so nice
I swear I never felt this way about any other guy
And I don't usually notice people's eyes but..

I conducted a plan to bump into you most accidentally
But I was walking along and bumped into you much more heavily than
I had originally planned
It was well embarrassing and
I think you thought I was a bit of a twat

I just think that we'd get on
I wish I could tell you face to face
Instead of singing this stupid song
But yeah I just think that we might get on

So I went to that party
Everyone, they looked kind of arty
And I was wearing this dress
Cause I wanted to impress
But I wasn't sure that I looked my best cause I was so nervous
But carried on regardless
Strutting through each room trying to find you
Then I saw you kissing that girl, my heart it shattered
And my eyes they watered and when I tried to speak I stuttered

And my friends were like, "Whatever, you'll find some one better
His eyes are way to close together
And we never even liked him from the start
And now he's with that tart
And I heard she done some really nasty stuff down in the park with Michael
He said she's easy
And if your guys with the one that's sleazy
Then he aint worth your time
Cause you deserve a real nice guy"
So I proceeded to get drunk and to cry
Locked myself in the toilets for the entire night

Saturday night I watched channel 5
I particularly liked CSI
I don't ever dream about you and me
I don't ever make up stuff about us, that could be considered insanity
I don't ever drive by your house to see if you're in
I don't even have an opinion on that tramp that you're still seeing
I don't know your timetable I don't know your face off by heart
But I must admit there's a part
That still thinks that
We might get on
We might get on

my sister and i heard this song (kate nash- we get on), and it stunned us into silence. not because it sounded pretty, but because it was really sad and we (well, I) were totally able to identify with each and every word, line, syllable and note in the song. it kind of hit home, and i once had a mate ask me if i was the one who actually wrote the song. i proceeded to punch him. hard.

we have all been in the position where we meet someone, and we think that they are perfect for us in that moment. and we undoubtedly begin the process of self-torture, by including them in our lives. we want to be with them. near them. in the same room as them. and hope that at one point they look up and take notice of you sitting there, waiting.

and often, that other individual leads you down a path of expectation. leads you to a place where you believe that they too feel what it is that you are feeling. that they feel the same sense of euphoria when your name is mentioned in a conversation. when you walk into a room. when theirr phone beeps, and its your name on your screen. and for that moment, you are elated. on top of the world. waiting for the moment where your two worlds will finally collide, and you are able to finally be present in each others presence.

but sometimes, its just that. you have just been led down a path. and even though the other individual has led you to believe in the fairy tale, more often than not, it wasnt their intention. so you sit there screaming, crying, hurting, and wonder what it is that you did wrong. why didnt they take notice? what is it about me?

so you put on a brave face, and dont let the other person see into your heart. it would hurt too much. you smile. you drink. you dance. and you laugh. you listen to their tales, and you comfort their tears. not for a second letting them on to the truth. and with this, you only feel more hurt. more pain. essentially, a massachist. staying in, in the hope that one day they will open their eyes, and see you for who you truly are. just a girl/boy, standing in front of a boy/girl, asking them to want you. to need you. to have you.

#imjussayin

rabi

who am i?

this is a question that most of us ask ourselves at some point in our mundane lives. what makes me 'me'? what am i here for? where am i going? for me, this is an almost daily question, to which i still do not have an answer. but then, last night, whislt lying in bed, i realised that there actually is no answer to this question.

everyone has their own definitions of what defines them. some define themselves by the status in society or the rest of the world; personality traits; family heritage; likes; dislikes, or just their general state of being. I have not yet decided how i define myself, and seek to understand myself instead, which has brought a new thought dimension to the table.

along with thinking about the fact that there actually is no true answer, i also started thinking about how we are constantly changing and evolving, and what it is that makes this process occur. I always understood myself as a kind of free spirit. i mentioned that in my 'yesterday i cried' post. someone who did what they did without a care in the world, lived by their own rules and didnt let anyone or anything define what they did or who they were. with a positive approach to life, i was guided by rational thought and not by feeling. everything could be rationalised to come to some kind of conclusive solution. i lived on a cloud, and welcomed anyone and everyone to join me and the party. no stress. no cares. just me and life.

but recently all of that has been changing, and i have noticed another part of me coming to the surface for air. which began to probe the questions, 'have i been living behind a facade?' or 'is this the next stage of development, and am i just merely evolving and 'adapting' to my own environment?'. i think its a bit of both. i have learnt in recent months (well, since living alone), that i am not as care free as i believed i was. in fact, i am crazily neurotic, a control freak, highly strung and giant anxious stress pot. yes, people, forget what your mother told you, its true. i have no clue where these dimensions popped up from, but here they are and i am being forced to deal with them. this is all something thats completely new to me, but like i asked, is it all new because i was living behind a facade and circumstances now have brought them to the surface, or am i just evolving?

and with this discovery, i am learning more about myself and how to handle these new parts of my being. and at the same time, crazy confused as i have never had to deal with it (or, perhaps, never wanted to). this is all a transitional phase in my life, from which unique lessons will have to be learnt, but will ultimately add to a bigger story. like i mentioned earlier, i believe that its a combination of the facade, and just adaptation and survival. but with that, did i ever really fully understand myself? know what i was all about, and actually knew what made me tick?

ask yourself those same questions. when you reflect on your life and what makes you 'you', think about what crazy elements about life contribute to the making of you. think about if you ever really know who you are. think about how you are going to evolve, and if you have any actual control over all of it (right now, i feel like i dont, but let me just start handling my business). i think that by thinking about these things, it can make the whole process of understanding that little bit easier...

but hey...#imjussayin

rabi

3 generations of awesome

i've BEEN wanting to write this post since the long weekend, but alas, apparently im in the middle of getting a degree, so i had to reprioritise some things. but i am here, albeit for a second, but here none the less.

so, this past weekend, my mom, her sisters and my grandmother all came down to cape town for a womens weekend. a weekend of love, life and luxury. i was looking forward to massages, butlers, fine wine, good food...oh, and hanging with my family. i got a lot more than i had bargained for i tell you.

i generally am not a big family person. dont get it twisted, i love my family to bits and pieces, but i have never been particularly close to any individuals, except my grandmother (who is the coolest, by the way. even cooler than those sick beanies she makes. ja, i know!!). this weekend gave me that opportunity to get to know each and every one of them individually, and in turn, learn more about myself and who i am.

watching and listening to these women who are all the same, yet all so different was an enlightening experience for me. my grandmother is full of tales of the past and present, and never wants to be forgotten. through that, she treasures every living moment with those individuals she loves, and has so much love in her heart to give. full of lessons that never grow old, at her old age, she is still itching to guide me on the path towards a happy and fulfilled life.

this has passed down to all of her daughters, who all share the same ethos, but approach it in different ways. we have divas, and we have simpletons. taking and living each moment as though it was their last. sharing with me tales of their youth that they believe i can learn from, and which i did. all of them wanting the best for and from each other and themselves. it was a connection i have never seen and experienced between siblings. even between people.

they all told me tales of my grandfather who passed on when i was about 12. i know him the way i remember him from that young age, but they invited me into a world where i would never have known him. all so proud so many years later, and still filled with love and loss in their hearts and minds. the tales they shared about their youth, made me properly understand how they have all grown into such beautiful, incredible, powerful women today. women who are still growing in those respects, and then some.

and then i thought of myself in this situation, and suddenly felt incredibly priviledged, and inadequate at the same time. inadequate in that they have all set incredibly high standards in the way they live, share, love and work, that i fear i will never be able to reach. i felt so small in this room of women who had achieved so much in their personal lives, and in their respective working worlds. and priviledged in that i can be proud to be a part of such a united front. be a part of such a group of women. to be a part of the legacy that they are all leaving behind.

i took a lot more than i had bargained for this weekend. i had planned on getting spoiled in terms of material gifts, but instead, my soul and heart got a lot more spoiled than i ever could have imagined.

thank you, you remarkable women. without you all in my life, i would not be who i am today: awesome.

#imjussayin

rabi

its me against the music

i only recently noticed that a lot of what we do, where we go, what we wear, and to an extent, how we think, is controlled by the music we listen to, and what currently is the 'in' thing. i know that what is hip on the scene controls a lot of how we live our lives and has a huge impact on our social cultures, but i never realised the impact that music itself has on this world.

a while back it was all about the techno dance beats, circa-bad times. this music encouraged guys to pump the iron and usn, girls to stop wearing clothes, and commissioned wife beaters and pinstripe shirts with white shoes into the fashion and sports magazines the world over (and by world, i mean the small, secluded space we tend to call 'home'). if you werent with it, you just didnt know.

and with time, these jocks started calming down, but were still a prevalent part of society. years on, and the white shoes were still jamming, the pinstriped shirts were still soaked in sweat, and girls still had not managed to locate their dresses (someone get that girl a jacket, its cold!!!). clubs like tiger tiger, manhattan..and..um..others were popping up everywhere to fill the need in the market. techno dance was the thing, and once again, if you didnt know, you had to aks somebody.

this left other musical genres in the dust, wishing and hoping for a chance to shine. and their time has now come, influencing yet another subculture of ultra cool hipsters. a complete transformation of what we knew about the world around us. a whole new world has opened up, and once again, music has been at the forefront of it.

we are now hitting the indie music scene, which i think can be divided into a) indie electro and b) indie rock, each drawing its own specific crowd, life and energy. the pinstripe shirts and white shoes have been traded in for plaid shirts and either tommy tackies, your grandfathers walking shoes, or tres cool high tops (depending on whether you are rock or electro. dont get these 2 mixed up!). some girls have located their clothes, where others seem to enjoy the cold breeze between their legs. each to her own, i guess.

but suddenly everyone has an artistic streak, and shy away from conforming to materialism. they all kick it old school in some old geezers garments, and whip out a guitar or dj decks whenever they have a chance. wounded souls and crazy hair are suddenly in. and if you cant draw a perfect circle, or churn out a middle c without being tuned, then you really just dont know.

and like their pinstiped counterparts, these kids are very involved in the music and the world and safety it offers them. they behave the way they are supposed to, speak the way they are supposed to, and specifically dress the way they are supposed to. never at any point pushing boundaries or the authorities. staying on the path...

...until the next phase of music comes in, and like the techno dance jocks, they too, will be forgotten.

but hey, #imjusssayin

rabi

i just dont get the 40%-ers

i feel like one of the most fortunate women in the world. i am surrounded by the most incredible women i have had the luxury of meeting. all of them beautiful, intelligent, witty, independent, adventurous, can hold their liquor, know what they want out of life and arent afraid to go for it, and...single.

the last point, i fail to understand, really. jamie's brother (in fact, both of them) has asked us countless times why we are single. we shrug and say, 'boys are stupid'. they launch into a speech about how they do not understand the young men of today, because we are basically everything that i described above. and all we can do in response is shrug our shoulders and pour ourselves another glass of wine. i generally am not too phased by this, and console myself by saying 'boys are stupid', but yesterday, over lunch, my mates and i became increasingly bitter about this.

our discussion started with me telling them that there were couples all over the assembly the previous night, and i just didnt understand why they felt the need to come out. personally, i hate seeing couples doing their thing right in front of me. we all know what they are thinking, 'poor singleton. lets just lunge here, to make her feel that little bit more inadequate' (unfortunately for them, it takes a lot more than that to make me feel inadequate!). i just find it annoying, and dont understand why they cant do their thing at home. this escalated to the fact that even unattractive couples are roaming the streets in a cloud of bliss, whilst we shuffle along wondering, 'what the fuck'.

then the million dollar question was posed, 'well, what is wrong with us?'. we sat there, and thought. and thought. and thought some more. and couldnt come up with anything. puse and i were rolling off a list of attributes that we all have, but which somehow fail to attract the opposite sex. 'we are hot, we are sexy, we are intelligent, we are helluva funny, we are independent, we are free sprited, WHAT IS IT???'. we just had to conclude with the notion that perhaps boys are just stupid.

but really, are they? i refuse to actually believe it. i really do. and i think its a little bit unfair that we immediately jump to that conclusion. i am not arguing on the side of the male species here, in fact, i am trying to avoid an argument all together. i just dont understand the way in which they think. i look at all my friends, all amazing and incredible in their own ways, but all single. then i look at those individuals in couples, and say 'really?' what is it that a guy looks for in a girl with relationship potential? is it the girl who looks good on his arm? is it the girl who is a supporting actress in his movie? is it a chic he can lunge whenever he is drunk? what is it?

perhaps we are just socialising with the wrong subsection of the male species at this point in our lives. i mean, we are surrounded by university guys. young fellows still learning new things about the intricacies of their own lives and the women they surround themselves with. my friend, mbaita, posed the theory that most women of this day and age (us specifically) may just be too much maintenance for the types of guys we associate ourselves with. i had to agree with her on this point. we want to be independent, but still be taken care of . we want to be in control, but still want someone to call the shots from time to time. we want to be all seeing and all knowing, but want someone who will call us on our shit. we want everything, and we want nothing. we are pretty damn scary i think for most guys, i think. we come with a force, and refuse to be the supporting role in anyone else's live, but will happily have you be our supporting lead.

puse's theory is that boys are all about 40%-ers, and dont want to be on the Dean's merit list. i laughed.

i dont really know what point i am trying to make here. i think there are a few:
a) i have some amazing friends
b) i dont understand how all of them are single, and there are few prospects on the horizon (i include myself in this)
c) i dont understand how boys think, and am curious as to what makes them tick
d) some of us are crazy bitter at the moment, so if you are in a couple, dont cross my path

but hey, imjussayin

rabi

the autobahn of expectation

jamie has been promising to blog about this for an age, but now i am over it and will just do it myself (jamie, you are useless, but i heart you nonetheless).

the autobahn of expectation. ah, yes. i have been on a number of autobahns in my life. filled with traffic at some points, easy flowing at others, but the one that leads to a destination called 'expectation' is the worst one in ever.

oh, bee-tee-dub, this is in relation to boys. when is it never? they lead you down a certain path and you think its going to be smooth riding like the gravy train, but no, it never is! balls! does he like me? what did that mean? typical girly bullshit is what it is.

anyways, the problem with this autobahn is that at some points you have to wonder, is it self inflicted? am i having a crazy acid flashback and seeing traffic signs and beacons where there are in fact, none? is that really a traffic cop? am i even speeding? what the fuck is going on? this is a road where one should not be drunk driving, thats for sure.

and as you travel along this road, enjoying the sites that you pass and the people that you meet, there comes a time where you have to ask yourself, 'are we there yet?' and because you dont have a GPS, and like me, never keep a map book and stupidly trust your geographical instincts, you are totally fucked. so you just keep driving, in the vain hope that at least something will tell you if you need to take the next offramp, or just keep going.

i am currently on that autobahn, and things are looking pretty dire at this moment. am looking for the next offramp, but the signage here is ridiculous. oh, and the potholes! its like driving through coffee bay. yes, thats exactly what it is! and frankly, im just growing heavily annoyed and tired. i want to leave, but because im crazily sadistic, i stay on it. living in that dream that maybe, for once, i will get to my destination and it will be GLORIOUS!! but for my own pride, and just as a general time and energy saving tactic (and petrol is not cheap at all!), i need to get off because things could get pretty awkward, quite quickly. eish.

oh wait, theres a traffic cop, maybe he can tell me how far it is to the next off ramp.

'500m' he says

'thank buddha!' i reply, 'i hope there is a steers diner. i need to drown my sorrows and get some energy in the form of flapjacks with bacon, eggs and loads of syrup, and an energy vitamin water'.

#imjussayin

rabi

the grass is greener in your own back yard

hello! molo! dumela! ola!

yes, it has a been a while, and instead of launching into a long tirade of apologies and excuses regarding our absence, im going to jump straight into it (jamie has been in china so she is excused. i was living in the world cup, so technically i am excused to).

being present in your presence is one of the most important things to live by. its a personal mantra. a hymn. a verse. in fact, its my whole bible. when one isnt happy in their own presence, and with themselves at the present time, and is continuously waiting for this grand moment that will change their lives forever and FINALLY make them happy, then one isnt living at all. if you are waiting....you will be waiting forever, because who is to say that this moment will even come, or if it will have the desired effect you had hoped for.

i often go to the big jhb to visit my mother and best mate, and whenever i come back, i always think that jhb is the ultimate place for me and that cape town is just wasting my time. so when it came time for june vac, i told my mother '6 weeks woman. cape town has nothing to offer me'. i was going ot jhb thinking that i was finally going to find some other kind of fucked up happiness, peace, clarity about life, and just a new perspective in general. i completely disregarded everything the ct had shown me and taught me, and thought it all boiled down to me being too big for my own boots in this crazy small city. 'why am i here??' i kept asking myself, 'when i get to jhb, i will really know what life is all about'.

got the the big smoke, and boy was i in for a surprise. as much as i love that city, i didnt get that feeling that i was expecting. i thought that since jamie had settled in so well into this city, and forged this whole new life for herself, surely the same should happen to me? right? WRONG! i didnt get what i wanted, and boy did it put me into a funk of undesirable measure. i didnt know what was going on, and i didnt understand why i was not getting that warm fuzzy feeling i was looking so forward to. i was in a shitty job, which didnt help the situation, if anything, only aggravated it. basically, i was in one of the worst spaces/clutch outs i have ever had to endure. so. not. cool. what was i to do? one word came to mind: FUCK.

jamie kept telling me to be happy in my personal space, and that i cant attribute the way i was feeling to external, physical factors. i tried to be, but i couldnt. i totally knew what she meant, but at never thought at any point that i was unhappy with myself. i mean, i am awesome, what is there to be unhappy about? :) this only drew my further into my crazy funk, as i started questioning whether i was actually happy with myself or not. once again: FUCK.

i lasted 5 weeks in the jhb and headed straight back to cape town the minute i could. at this point, i was feeling pretty good about life and a lot more like my old self. but not quite yet...until i saw the lights of ct from the airplane window. a sense of calm suddenly came over me, and i realised what my problem had been the entire time. it actually was me and not the jhb! let me tell you why...

i had gotten a bad case of 'grass is greener' syndrome, and was in the belief that life would be better for me after some great moment, and it wasnt. i wasnt just appreciating the present self that i was before heading to jhb, and being that self, which is what i should have done. being present and fulfilled in my presence would have resulted in me taking in new lessons and experiences, and only bettering my personal self. with this, i realised that wherever you are, whatever you may be doing, yes, there are external factors that may play a role, but unless you are happy with yourself, you wont be happy no matter where you are or whatever it is that you are doing. that is the most important thing here.

so, in short, stop thinking about the greener grass on the other side of the fence, and rather work on your own back yard. by putting love, energy, sweat and tears into it, and cultivating that soil with your own soul. you can watch it grow and be proud of what it becomes. yes, there may be a few weeds, but its up to you to remove them (or keep them, its up to you). by looking into other yards, you will never find the yard that is perfect for you, and will search for your entire life. what a waste of time.

#imjussayin

rabi

Feel it, it is here. KE NAKO!!!

normally i hate the sound of vuvuzelas blaring in the afternoon sun, but today i shall make an exception and perhaps join in on some blowing ;) the world cup, she is finally here. all that hard work that people have put into pulling off one of, if not, the biggest sporting event in the world, is finally paying off. feel it, it is here.

i remember when i was a kid, waaay back when my folks were still married (circa 1996), my mom worked for the 2004 olympic bid. she worked crazy long hours and was rarely in the country. i hardly ever saw her, because she and her team were working on this crazy campaign to bring the olympics to south africa. and when the day came for the announcement as to who the host city would be, Athens came out top. all that hard work, and nothing.

next, in about 2000, she was commissioned to work for the 2006 fifa world cup bid. she moved to jhb for a few months which i absolutely hated, but i took solace in the fact that we would get this world cup which would mean that i would score mad free tickets. once again, when they announced the host city,germany came out top.

then came 2004, another bid to get the world cup to south africa (we really are a persistent bunch). i sort of remember the day they announced it. i remember not believing that the world cup would actually come here, so i wasnt phased. then we got it!!!! crazy, right? but like most south africans im sure, i thought, 'really? can we pull this off? i'll believe that when i see it'.

and 6 years later, here it is. the fifa world cup is finally in south africa. we have been counting down for 500 days, and yesterday at the airport the countdown clock had a big '0'! a big '0'!!! i mean, really?? we are actually doing this, and the energy and electricity that its in the air, is something thats indescribable and incomprehensible. everyone is literally joining together to celebrate the spirit that is truly south african. black, white, blue, green, tall, short, left and right, they are all the same right now, and its the most beautiful thing i have ever had the priviledge of experiencing. this is different to the rugby 1995 world cup a) i was young and dont remember much of it, and b) there are no politics behind it. its just a world cup for the sake of being a world cup. a celebrating of soccer, and of nations.

working at the airport, and seeing people all over the world coming into OUR country, onto OUR turf to experience the same kind of magic is something out of the world, and it would be my dream to put that energy into a bottle and sell it for millions. i hope that all our foreign visitors leave here with the south african stamp tattooed on their lower backs. this country is some other kind of fucked up special, and i have never been so proud to be a south african, and to be a part of this memorable moment in our history. a moment of pure celebration. unity.

as that castle/black label said waaay back in the day (with some other world cup. maybe japan?), 'one nation, one soul. one beer, one goal'. i believe it. i stand by it. and i know we will all live it.

FEEL IT. IT IS HERE. KE NAKO!!!!!

rabi

yesterday, i cried

this isnt in reference to the Iyanla Vazant book unfortunately. maybe i will pick it up one day and give it a read, then report the lessons that i learn via this forum, but until then, my latest tale will have to suffice.

so, yesterday, i did in fact cry. these were not tears of sadness, or tears of joy. these were tears of realisation. tears of fear.

i was watching 'vicky christina barcelona' last night at my flat. the lights were low, and i had my kfc (not the most appropriate meal for this type of movie, but a craving is a craving). i had seen this movie before, but this time, the experience was different. i was kept silent the whole way through, and transfixed not only by what i was seeing, but also what i was feeling.

after the movie, i burst into tears. i was laughing at the absurdity of crying through such a film, yet, like i said before, these tears were not of laughter. i realised that i was afraid. in fact, very afraid, and let me tell you why.

i like to believe that i am romantic and reckless. although i dont expose this part of myself (except maybe in part the recklessness), i like to think that thats how i want to, and do, live my life. looking for the ultimate moment with someone to share. naive in my ways of life, love, lust and passion, and not afraid to believe and experience it. in constant search of that ultimate moment between two people where they can just be together, and feelings, thoughts and actions are not questioned or rationalised, and instead are accepted and enjoyed. shared with others through tales and song. i like to believe that i look at the world through Christina's eyes.

"Christina on the other hand expected something very different out of love. she had reluctantly accepted suffering as an inevitable component of deep passion, and was resigned to putting her feelings at risk. if you asked her what it was she was gambling her emotions on to win, she would not have been able to say. she knew what she didnt want, however, and that was exactly what Vicky valued above all else"

however, in the real world, i dont behave like this. forever cautious, wary of what feelings or actions might mean or entail. constantly looking to protect myself from certain situations, and continuously rationalising and trying to enforce some authoritarian control over my life and the situation instead of letting it just be. too afraid to think and act. being eternally realistic, and tending to take the safe option instead. i believe that i live like vicky.

"Vicky had no tolerant for pain, and no lust for combat. she was grounded and realistic. her qualities in her man were seriousness and stability. she had become engaged to Doug because he was decent and successful and understood the beauty of commitment"

this didnt sit well with me. and still doesnt in fact. life is a beautiful, precious thing, and moments are short lived, unique and special. being afraid of life, love, passion and experience does not award you the luxury of truly enjoying each and every magical moment life presents. i fear that continuing on this path that i have travelled so far down, i will reach a point where i cannot turn back, and instead live with regret. satsifaction, but with regret nonetheless.

and then i cried (and the fact that javier bardien/juan antonio was sooo incredibly beautiful didnt help the situation)

"...the trick is to enjoy life. accepting it has no meaning whatsoever..."

rabi

(organic) asian lentil mix and the financial mail

i was at woolworths the other evening and left with an asian lentil mix and the latest financial mail and i think that this seemingly contradictory selection summarises my current phase. well, not "phase"...that seems to imply that there is a beginning and an end, like my early 90s billy rea cyrus crush. i guess it is more of a stage...one that developed from the last stage and will form the foundation of the next stage. possibly not a "stage" either, but at this juncture you should get what i am saying.

the ideological void

in the passed 3 months i have undergone somewhat of a transformation...from a peace- loving, marx- quoting socialist hippy to a...
well, i am not entirely sure yet. the world seems to think that if you are not a socialist then you are a capitalist...this is not the case. i just came to realise that what i found flawed in the caplitalist system...that it is based solely on material and utility and is in that sense quite one- dimensional...persists in a socialist system too. i think that to a degree you have to believe in capitalism if you are a socialist...there has to be something to re- distribute and i suppose in this sense, it is also based on materialism and utility. again...one dimensional. the void runs deeper and covers alot of bases, this is just the most pertinent example.

i think the point of all of this is that i am 22, my views are transient and i don't want to be "liberal" or "conservative" or a "capitalist" or a "socialist" or a "communist". i was listening to a talk where the speaker was accused of changing his mind alot and his response was that he changes his mind as new information comes along...anything to the contrary would be completely arrogant.

so that is where i am at... my current "ism" is that i am thinking and i hope to never stop.


#imjussayin


jamie

the age of innocence

yesterday i went to the park. not the kind of park where there is only grass and dogs run around. the kind of park where children run around and play on swings and seesaws. do you remember that? open up the archive, and look at the files from that part of your life. you might have to dust it off, but its there.

do you remember what it felt like to go to the park? to go on adventures to find the coolest parks in your neighbourhood? telling your mom that you'll be back later, and you get on your bike and just go? without so much as a care or worry about what will happen next, just concentrating on what is happening now, and embracing that feeling? all those memories and feelings came tumbling down like a ton of bricks around me yesterday afternoon. took me back to the age of innocence.

as i sat there watching the newest generation living the life in the reality they have created for themselves, running around playing with their fathers, laughing, screaming, crying, i was filled with a sense of jealousy. these children were all completely oblivious to anything that wasnt important to them, or directly impact their lives. they werent worrying about school work, relationships, family, money, crime, any of the things we bother ourselves with. they were just concerned with the immediate present, being alive and taking in every experience as a new one. forming perceptions of a new world with every waking moment, and using it to establish their own reality.

now we are at an age where our reality has been created, and now we deal with things and issues beyond our means. instead of just living in the here and now, and embracing it and just laughing, we are constantly concerned with the future, stressing out about work and relationships, money, material things that add very little inherent value to our lives. life itself is about a lot more than that. its about the immediate experiences one engages themselves in and learns from. its about taking that experience and teaching others what you have learnt. spreading your own personal gospel to those who you feel deserve it and empower from it. we all have a purpose, and it isnt to be rich and famous, its to live life and learn from it, so that we can empower those around us and those in the next generation.

watching these children hop around with an air of nonchalance reminded me how important life actually is (not that i was forgetting, cos i live a very charmed life by choice), and that its up to you yourself to decide how you want to live it, and what you want to make of it. yes, there are extraneous variable that may impact the degree to which you are able to take on certain things, but those should be taken in their stride and one shouldnt lose focus on what is important-life, love and learning.

i left the park with a new sense of self. a slighltly brighter view of the world. pretty colours. sharper images. and a groovy tune playing in the background. it was glorious, and that feeling is still with me a day later, even though i have returned to the life i normally lead. its phenomenal. if ever you are feeling overwhelmed by the bullshit that life throws at you, go to the park. ride on the swing.

#imjussayin

rabi

...but he is nice and has good itunes

...i am back...for how long i don't know, but i am here for this very moment and that is all that counts. i would like to think that my absence can be explained away by the fact that i have alot of august ideas prancing around in my head...and don't really know where to start. something that has been in my mind for awhile now, and something that the other half of the diad and i have been talking about for the better part of 2010...is the phenomena of the "nice boy with the good itunes"



oh...and "august" is not a typo. forget what your mother told you, "august" means "noble, venerable, majestic, awe-inspiring" (and i know this because i was looking up a synonym for "glorious")



back to the "nice boy with the good itunes". i think we'll tackle this in two parts...the first being "the nice boy". my brother would interject here to say that the problem lies in "boy" not "nice", but for the sake of this discussion we'll focus on the latter and not take the former to be an indication of age or maturity. men of the 21st century do not have the greatest street cred (this is not based on some neo- feminist conception, but rather a general perception). so an encounter with a "nice boy" is accompanied by a possible flutter and (re)entertaining the idea that tupac, elvis and michael jackson are in fact alive and well on an island that is yet to be discovered by the masses (fame just became too much for them).



now, if this demeanour is coupled with exposure, however brief, to said boy's itunes...shit starts getting real. and, if said exposure leads to your itunes discovering it's other half then in the words of my dear friend:

"shit is going to get so real, that it will get up and call us real and
then we will all laugh at the craziness of shit calling us real"

what is the problem with this?, you may ask. my answer to this is that with this sub- culture, you cannot be sure if the shit is actually getting real or whether said shit is only real in your mind. you might get caught up in the enthusiasm of the phenomenal music taste and manners that would make your gran proud, but the "nice-ness" prevents said boy from sending you the "i am not as enthused" memo or being anything other than "polite" which in the state of elvis-is-alive-befuddlement could be interpreted more favourably than it ought to be.

this should not be taken as an infallible observation...all observations are fallible because all observations are subjective. instead, this should be taken as a public service announcement of the "stop, drop and roll" variety.

#imjussayin

jamie

it doesnt matter if you're black or white

those were inspiring words spoken in our history and continue to reverberate in our thoughts and hearts. RIP MJ. but no, im not here to talk about the legend that was (and with that RIP Lolly Jackson). im here to bring up an issue that was brought to my attention this weekend by my aged father.

so, sitting at a fabulously trendy lunch, we get onto the topic of marriage and such. i tell him that i probably wont get married, not because i dont want to, but because i am insanely picky, and the the truth hiding beneath this 'pickiness' is pure fear. anyways, so he chirps that i will probably never get married due the kind of males i surround myself with. obviously i jump to agreement and launch into an explanation as to how young, lost, misguided and lacking in the balls department these guys i hang out with are (as lovely as they are with all of their amazing itunes!), but it comes to light that my father and i are on completely different pages. his response was, 'its because you dont hang out with black men'.

this statement stumped me, and i was actually lost for words. i didnt know what to take from this comment or how to internally process it. all i could reply was, 'sorry g, i just look at people. a guy is a guy is a guy'. and that was that. we didnt elaborate, we didnt continue. i think because we both knew that we had hit a sensitive topic in a sense, and that neither of us were going to understand the other parties argument.

my issue with this statement was this: granted, we all have different skin colours, and inherently different belief systems, its just the way that we are. its great. but is it on this premise that one must choose a potential life partner? or a friend? i have black friends, i have white friends, i have coloured friends, and although i do realise that we are all of different skin colours, its the person on the inside that i want to be friends with. with whom i want to engage. and it disturbed me that my father made it appear that that wasnt important. im sure that that wasnt what he meant. he probably meant that 'like is supposed to stick with like'. but is that something that can still be enforced in this day and age? have we moved on to a different evolutionary path? do people choose partners based on their race? what is it?

i was brought up in the post-1994 generation. black kids were allowed to go to white schools and have white friends. in fact, it was encouraged. we had sleep overs at melissa's house, and cara's mom would drive us to hockey practice. this was the norm, hardly the exception. my parents continuously encouraged my sister and i to look at people not their colour, so thats what we did. today my best friend is white. is it because of the colour of her skin that i have chosen this? is it because of who she is and how she makes me feel?

i grew up, like many other, in a world different to that of my parents. i grew up in a 'white world'. my sister-from-another-mother and i were discussing this, and she made an interesting point. she said, 'rabi, because of the way we have grown up, we will never fit in with white people or with black people'. she had hit the nail on the head. it was crazy. she continued with, 'we dont fit in the black people because we didnt grow up in the townships and went to predominantly white schools, and we dont fit in with the white people because, lo and behold, we are black'. i raised my arms and shouted 'testify!', because she was totally correct. i couldnt fault her on that, and she had put into words what i had been feeling these past 22 years.

this brought me to the point where i asked if we ever wanted to fit in anywhere. we aren't black enough and we are too white. there is no space for people of our kind, we just find other like minded individuals if one wants to be a part of a group to indentify with. which brought us to the conclusion that, because of this, people are forced to identify us according to who we are, not what we look like. yes, i am a black woman, but that hardly defines who i am on the inside. 'awesome' is how i liked to be defined (if one is REALLY looking for a definition).

bringing my back to my dads comment. i didnt respond because i didnt feel the need to respond. for me, a life partner is someone i can identify with and who makes me happy and totally understands me. the colour of his skin is just the carrier of the soul. everyone has inherently different values and beliefs, and has to deal with consolidating them in their home. the people in my life are cherished and loved because of the value they add to my life, not because they fill a quota. we are taught to love people regardless of their exterior (which is difficult at times, cos lets face it, we are all inherently prejudiced. lets not lie here), and its time that our black parents understood that by bringing us up in this new world, we are approaching life and relationships in a new way.

#imjussayin

rabi

the acid man has been sighted...!

yes, you read correctly, today, sunday 25 april, at approximately 3.30pm, the acid man was sighted in rondebosch. this is not a drill. this isnt even a test. this is reality (and not that shit that we see on tv).

how did it happen and what did i do, you might ask? randomly and nothing. i was just driving to campus when these 2 idiots decided that the road was their pavement as opposed to the government dedicated strip allocated to them. as i was about to knock them over driving at 25km/hr, they stopped and naturally looked at my vehicle. as did i, cos i wanted to be able to tell their parents that it was their children that i had killed. and lord above to my surprise, one of my victims was the acid man!

i freaked, i screamed, and i sighed. turned my car around and went to find him again, but alas, our moment had passed.

until next time...

ra-ra rara-ma ra-ma rama-ma

for those of you who aren't in the know, a) we have a bigger problem here cos your finger is clearly not anywhere near the pulse, and b) its lady gaga.

for a romance to start, whether it be good or, as in lady gaga's case, bad, i believe that one must kick it old school. with the courting process. in an ideal world (also known as my universe), a romantic relationship starts with a date. this whole drunken meetings, no dates, no courting thing that occurs these days [read: coming right...together] just doesnt make sense to me.

today i came across a list of 10 first date ideas. my mate had told me about it, and since my newest thing is 'the date', i rushed to find a copy of the varsity newspaper, to see what it was this indivdual (not my mate) had to offer in terms of cool ideas. was i not sorely disappointed, and frankly, just pissed off. not an ounce of creativity was borne here, and i think the chic just thought of lame things her and her mates do. granted, there were one or two (but not more than three) good ideas in there, and the rest were just absolute bullshit!!! a date is something that determines the path of a relationship, and cant just be a flippant thought that came into someones mind during a slightly inspirational lecture (i would say boring, but then in those lectures, you allow yourself to explore and expand on ideas). i wanted to post a link to the article, but it isnt up. i'll find the newspaper at home and write that shit out, just so you can all experience what i experienced (i remember these though:
kalk bay-cool
panchos
fat cactus
buena vista (3 of a kind?)
labia (THE MOVIE THEATRE)
ice skating
...other lame things).

so after a rant and rave with my dear friend, kim, we decided to come up with our own 10 first dates. well thought out, interactive, fun, different dates that can really get 2 people together to explore one another. so, in no particular order, lets go:
-kalk bay: its just plain awesome and quaint, and romantic
-Planetarium-sitting under the stars in the big city without the risk of being killed?
-The aquarium-we're bringing it back, and everyone loved it as a kid!
-Rooftop of Daddy Cool on a friday night for music (assuming there is a band playing), and a movie at like 'serious relationship' status
-Old biscuit mill- sweet weather, champagne and one of those amazing pizzas, whilst sitting in a parking bay? mmmm. im turning myself on. you both have to be uber chilled awesome-ites for this
-Theatresports- a good laugh that encourages you to let your guard down. great post-date convo.
-Julep wednesday- AMAZING! intimate enough but not overeager. great music, good cocktails, the vibe is some other kind of fucked up cool
-royale followed by the rooftop of the waiting room- im not even going to say anything.
-fairview; groot constantia wine tasting
-putt-putt followed by a walk along the promenade-sweet. old school.

and that folks, is that. but now obviously kim and i only catered to those awesome individuals out there. it takes an awesome kind of vibe to appreciate these dates, or to find them in any way romantic. so, if you dont, you are clearly in the wrong place, and you could you please leave the premises. but if you do, i hope you have come away from this with some cool ideas (and now have an idea of what i like! :) )

good luck!

#imjussayin

rabi

the search for the acid man

i've really wanted to write something fictional for some time now. want to expand on my literary abilities, see if i can really do this thing. they say that the best fiction comes from real life experiences, so i have decided that im going to start a tale. hopefully an interesting tale. chronicling the vast search for this elusive character aptly named, 'acid man'.

this quest is one of great measure and cannot be taken on by those who are weak of character. it takes resilience, exuberance, spontaneity (a word i sometimes have great difficulty in pronouncing) and a great amount of hustling. this is greater than those knights that bra arthur commissioned. no, much greater. this is the true test of the human sexual spirit, and when i find it, all order will be restored in the world.

who is this 'acid man', you may be asking? it describes a character i met this weekend. one of great looks, good vibes and a generally interestingly cool demeanour. one with which a connection was had. it may have been the alcohol, it may have been the lack of sleep, it may even have been the air and vibe that one breathes and lives at a trance party, but a connection nonetheless.

after this moment between our two souls (or it could have been general sexual frustration) began, it ended. life continued and we lost each others paths. all that i do remember was that i had a sip of his water, and he whispered, 'there's acid in there', and with a glimmer in my eye, and a fog over my brain, i took a swig and continued on my merry way, trrrancing to the music at hand. bliss.

i never saw him again after that. but he remains in my memories. what was his name? where was he from? who were his friends? these are all questions i actually cannot answer because i honestly do not remember. all that i know is that i had seen him before this encounter, somewhere in this vast life we all live, but i dont know where.

and that is why i need to embark on this quest, to find this 'acid man'. the one with the connection. the one with the vibe. it just needs to be done. and when i do i will jump on him and take him behind the middle school...

so follow me, my people. follow me on a journey of self discovery. of exploration. every one of us have our own 'acid man', and i am determined to find mine. *be off*

*exit stage left*

rabi

perhaps commitment phobes should not start blogs?...

"perhaps commitment phobes should not start blogs"..this was my cousins repsonse to my telling an exceedingly long story about why i have not been blogging. perhaps he has a point. my pen was shaking (and by my pen, i mean my hand) when i signed my TWO YEAR contract and i have so far put off any other form of contractual obligation.

i think that our blog is like a plant. it has been withering from the lack of attention, but we are back and it is alive and well. in this commitment metaphor, i guess the next step would be buying a GPS (as opposed to getting a pet)...it comes at a cost, it requires attention and you are no longer able to go in any direction you please...suddenly it is a consultation. and then my dear friends, you might be ready for an actual living, breathing, talking person.

today i am blogging, tomorrow i may meet someone called bob who is an investment banker and yearns for a picketed (not to be confused with "picketing" which is incidentally infinitely cooler and for some sort of cause) house in suburbia with 3.5 kids....living the dream. (if you don't know me and don't pick up the sarcasm in that last sentence, then i would like to take this opportunity to point it out to you). i just googled "bob the investment banker"...and such a person actually exists. living proof that if you can dream it, you can do it *ahem*

rabs...you are the real star here...with your insightful anecdotes and tales of coming right that would make the authors of mills and boon blush. there is definitely a market for your talents. they are now writing erotic novels in braille. i told this to a friend of mine and her response was "why don't they just get the audio books".

AND...last thing rabs, don't beat yourself up too much about the fabulous men at the attic. there really was noone else exciting...apart from the drug dealer in the porsche who parked on the corner of the road like the badass joburger he is and whose idea of starting a conversation was "hey bitches, come here". he is the real star here.

...#imjussayin

jamie

the not so elusive fag hag

apologies to all of those individuals who have been looking forward to their bi-daily fix of rants and raves courtesy of me and james, but life has been real and we have been busy. and whats worse, is when you get random bouts of inspiration when out there in the big bad world, and because we are polite, young ladies (and aren't at that level of trendiness where we have the uber cool mini-laptop with adsl/wireless/whatever it is that allows you to surf the web in the bush) we wait until we are out of the public eye, and by that point, have forgotten what it is i/we wanted to say. im just speaking on behalf of us because i am assuming that jamie hasnt been on here for that exact same reason. so on behalf of the both of us, sorry, and we're back!

a thought regarding this 'fag hag' entered my mind last night. wikipedia defines the fag hag as, 'a woman who either associates mostly or exclusively with gay and bisexual men, or has gay and bisexual men as close friend'. we all know one of these women, some of us are one of these women. yes, i am one of them. hello, im rabi..and...um...i..oh..amafaghag. wow, do i feel any better? i dont know? is this causing me to think about things? yes, it most certainly is.

now, i have many gay friends. i count a number of them amongst my closest friends actually. i am the girl who, at a party, will find the one gay man and stick to him like white on rice, even though there are a whole bunch of hot, straight men around. i am the girl who visits gay clubs so frequently, to the point where people recognise her there. i am the girl who gay men tell she has too many gay friends. and this is where my concern comes in.

i was with one of my fabulous gay friends the other day, and this girl came over to say hi (she knew him). they were talking about some or other closeted gay man, and then my buddy proceeded to tell me that she is a notorious fag hag. she smiled with pride. and then, unfortunately, the first thought that popped into my mind was (and i feel a bit ashamed saying this), 'im not surprised she turns to the gay population for male attention'. i know, its disgusting, but needs to be said in order to make my point later. and then i looked at myself.

i have noticed that women who tend to have many gay friends in relation to the heterosexual counterparts, or engage with gay men more, tend to either have very little lives of their own/live their love lives through their gay counterparts/avoid straight men completely/are secretly in love with their gay counterparts. obviously this is an exaggeration, but not a gross one. look around at the fag hags around you (in cape town they are not difficult to spot. they are either dressed head to toe in fabulousity, linking arms with the GBF, drinking fancy cocktails, or are of the less than attractive variation- i am the former). but what is it about hanging out with gay men that makes it such an attractive option? why do so many of us choose them over the men we are supposed to procreate with (dont answer that!)

it came to me a while back when i was talking to one of my gbf (yes, i went there). i had recently been told by another gay man that i have way too many gay friends, which at first i brushed off and just attributed that comment to jealousy cos i wasnt hanging out with him all the time, but then it really got me to thinking about what it is that gets me excited when i see them out (jamie and i had to restrain ourselves when a couple walked into the attic. shit is real). why do i choose to hang out with a piece of fabulousity all night instead of working the room in the hopes of finding a potential vessel for relations? and someone, cant remember who, said to me once, 'its because you are afraid of the penis'. *gasp* i know, thats exactly what i did, and i proceeded to protest such a statement. but im a logical person, so i think about things, and i realised that he was on to something. and even upon explaining this to my gbf, he totally understood and was in agreement.

i realised that gay men offer you that security of being with a male, without the threat of the penis. this is not in fear of the actual penis, its what that penis means. relations. intimacy. being vulnerable. feelings. worries. butterflies. anxiety. questions. answers. you see where i am going with this? you get that male-female connection (to an extent ofcourse), but you know that it will never get to that point where questions need to be asked and answered, so you feel more relaxed and free. you dont have to deal with all that other bullshit that comes from interacting with the hetero male (in relation to the penis stuff, we arent here to bash the hetero male). why the fear is there is different from person to person (mine is part insecurity-based, and part, 'wtf do i do if he likes me back?'), but there is a fear nonetheless.

you dont have that competition that women have with one another, thereby you dont feel threatened by them. they tell you how awesome you are, and make you feel good about yourself. they protect you from the meanness of the hetero male.

but in order to progress, and deal with all those scary things regarding the penis, we need to stop hiding behind the gay man. need to stop (or at least reduce) using him as a comfort blanket, and actually throw caution to the wind. this isnt just me, this can be extrapolated to all the fag hags all over the world.

we are all fabulous and just need to believe it. looking for adoration from the gay man shouldnt be the only option. looking for acceptance from the gay man, shouldnt be the only option. looking to oneself for adoration and acceptance should be the only option.

and with that, to the GBF, thank you. you are fabulous! and i will see you this weekend for cocktails and perving! :) xxx

come right...together

its been a minute, hasnt it? last time i was on here i was having a parlotones throw down and things got a bit heated up in here. both things that i crave and thoroughly enjoy when i experience them, but unfortunately, this was not one of those times. damn! oh, and lastly on the parlotones, i remembered that a few months back jamie and i were sitting at andiamo, this 24 hour pizza place in greenside, and we got to talking to this dude who had just finished a gig or something, i dont know. so we were quite drunk, so we struck up a conversation with this decidedly less than average fellow, and asked him who he played for. so he tells us that he plays for a number of bands, one of which he cant really disclose cos they are like, 'super famous'. so we probe, and inform him that we probably dont care and that it really makes no difference to our lives, and he then proceeds to tell us that this super rockstar band that he plays for is..wait for it....you probably guessed it by now....the parlotones! we told him that we really dont care and that it makes no difference to our lives. we shivered like we had smelt something really bad and just felt sorry for the dude. exit stage right.



but i actually have come on here to make a point today. i had a very honest, interesting conversation with a friend of mine yesterday when we were wiling away time in our hotseat, and we got onto coming right with people and our general views on the issues (in relation to how we view ourselves and our general tactics and views on the situation). so he asked me my thoughts, and the more i spoke, the more i sounded like a gay little girl who wants to marry the man she kisses for a hundred years. and as i kept saying what it was that i was saying, it sounded more and more like that, but i know that that wasnt what i was getting at, and he thought that that was where i was coming from.



so basically my views on the whole coming right issue are as follows: i love it. i think its one of the most beautiful, innocent moments that can happen between 2 people and can connect 2 individuals in a really innocently intimate way. and therefore, i dont believe in the random, drunken come right. yes, when in my younger day i was all about going out, and pulling as many guys as possible, but with my age has come wisdom, and i really dont see the point in finding some random guy, squinting your eyes to determine whether or not he is attractive, and then just lunging because it is after 2am after all and looking around, this is the best that you are going to get. yeah...no. i am okay, thanks. i find the best part of any interaction of this sort to be the build up towards it. i get no greater pleasure or satisfaction (well, before home time comes) than feeling that attraction and tension between 2 people and both wanting the same thing at that precise moment, but wondering how you are going to go about it, so you while away the time by having interesting, funny, intellectual, random conversations. getting to know each other and getting into each others heads to completely (or at least for now) understand each other, and this only increases the mutual attraction exponentially, until neither of you can take it anymore and there is this electricity in the air that is tickling your skin (and other regions) until you find the opportune moment to embrace life. *sigh* thats what i am talking about, and how it should all be!



if i kiss someone, we need to connect on a different kind of level, and not only be physically attracted to one another-alcohol can have an effect on that. we need to get each other, and i dont mean understand each other for the long haul, just understand each other for the moment which we are both involved in, and enjoy it. not superficial. not too deep either. for me, just having really good banter is good enough. or getting into a heated discussion about music, adventures, anything that ignites the passion within us (sweet lord, i sound like im writing a mills and boon novel). i dont want it to be waste. too many times i have walked away not caring and not knowing the guys name, purely because we didnt engage. and then i have wondered what on earth the point of that was and havent feel any sense of fulfillment or achievement. a complete waste of my time in fact when i could have been dancing with my friends or engaging in an interesting conversation with someone else.



i sound like a girl. i sound like an adult book novelist. i sound like i am in crazy need of a good time.



but hey, #imjussayin

rabi