this is a question that most of us ask ourselves at some point in our mundane lives. what makes me 'me'? what am i here for? where am i going? for me, this is an almost daily question, to which i still do not have an answer. but then, last night, whislt lying in bed, i realised that there actually is no answer to this question.
everyone has their own definitions of what defines them. some define themselves by the status in society or the rest of the world; personality traits; family heritage; likes; dislikes, or just their general state of being. I have not yet decided how i define myself, and seek to understand myself instead, which has brought a new thought dimension to the table.
along with thinking about the fact that there actually is no true answer, i also started thinking about how we are constantly changing and evolving, and what it is that makes this process occur. I always understood myself as a kind of free spirit. i mentioned that in my 'yesterday i cried' post. someone who did what they did without a care in the world, lived by their own rules and didnt let anyone or anything define what they did or who they were. with a positive approach to life, i was guided by rational thought and not by feeling. everything could be rationalised to come to some kind of conclusive solution. i lived on a cloud, and welcomed anyone and everyone to join me and the party. no stress. no cares. just me and life.
but recently all of that has been changing, and i have noticed another part of me coming to the surface for air. which began to probe the questions, 'have i been living behind a facade?' or 'is this the next stage of development, and am i just merely evolving and 'adapting' to my own environment?'. i think its a bit of both. i have learnt in recent months (well, since living alone), that i am not as care free as i believed i was. in fact, i am crazily neurotic, a control freak, highly strung and giant anxious stress pot. yes, people, forget what your mother told you, its true. i have no clue where these dimensions popped up from, but here they are and i am being forced to deal with them. this is all something thats completely new to me, but like i asked, is it all new because i was living behind a facade and circumstances now have brought them to the surface, or am i just evolving?
and with this discovery, i am learning more about myself and how to handle these new parts of my being. and at the same time, crazy confused as i have never had to deal with it (or, perhaps, never wanted to). this is all a transitional phase in my life, from which unique lessons will have to be learnt, but will ultimately add to a bigger story. like i mentioned earlier, i believe that its a combination of the facade, and just adaptation and survival. but with that, did i ever really fully understand myself? know what i was all about, and actually knew what made me tick?
ask yourself those same questions. when you reflect on your life and what makes you 'you', think about what crazy elements about life contribute to the making of you. think about if you ever really know who you are. think about how you are going to evolve, and if you have any actual control over all of it (right now, i feel like i dont, but let me just start handling my business). i think that by thinking about these things, it can make the whole process of understanding that little bit easier...
but hey...#imjussayin
rabi
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