free spirited with a dollop of control?!?

I have a journal and a blog…neither of which I write in, seemingly. Not entirely sure which of those two this is going to end up in. If you are reading it then I obviously decided to post it… or you are creeping my journal which is a generally frowned upon thing to do.

This picture is completely unrelated, but it made me laugh.

Despite this calm façade, I am a control freak. There, I said it, heave a sigh of relief. This is something I have always known and something that my nearest and dearest have stumbled upon over the course of knowing me. Also… disclaimer *this is not “control freak” in the sense that I am particularly concerned about what other people do or about controlling other people- this is more personal, I like to be firmly in control of myself. Which could sound weird… who else would be in control?! Anyway, this is specifically the case when I experience emotions that drag me out of neutral- either positive or negative. Once I have gotten over the shock of something external actually having the gall to affect me, (Rabi and) I, in a state of panic, retract and have an overwhelming instinct to run. This is however, not always possible (I do think that if we had the entire world’s money nobody would see us for dust) so we go on protracted missions of finding ourselves (again) by doing things that we wouldn’t ordinarily do. I have, for example, gone through a hiking phase, a museum and art gallery phase and the tried and failed “let’s just get drunk and see how we feel in the morning” phase- not the best of the above.

An aside…I think this is going to the blog… I have been missing in action and Rabi has been dropping uncomfortable hints ;-)

The point of this entry, I think (it is still a work in progress), is that I have for the past few months been experiencing a very strong and very beautiful emotion that has taken me places I didn’t think I was able to go to. I have heard about these places like I have heard about the Loch Ness monster- I didn’t buy it, but have since discovered that that shit is very real... not the monster… I am getting lost in this metaphor…

To link the very strong very beautiful emotion to the control freak/ Ussain Bolt instinct: Up until now, the chances of any emotion with its origins on the “outside” finding its way in AND surviving the Bolt instinct has been lower than Burkina Faso’s GDP. This has since changed, not to say that the instinct isn’t there- I think it probably always will be- just that it has seemingly finally met its match...

#imjussayin