apologies to all of those individuals who have been looking forward to their bi-daily fix of rants and raves courtesy of me and james, but life has been real and we have been busy. and whats worse, is when you get random bouts of inspiration when out there in the big bad world, and because we are polite, young ladies (and aren't at that level of trendiness where we have the uber cool mini-laptop with adsl/wireless/whatever it is that allows you to surf the web in the bush) we wait until we are out of the public eye, and by that point, have forgotten what it is i/we wanted to say. im just speaking on behalf of us because i am assuming that jamie hasnt been on here for that exact same reason. so on behalf of the both of us, sorry, and we're back!
a thought regarding this 'fag hag' entered my mind last night. wikipedia defines the fag hag as, 'a woman who either associates mostly or exclusively with gay and bisexual men, or has gay and bisexual men as close friend'. we all know one of these women, some of us are one of these women. yes, i am one of them. hello, im rabi..and...um...i..oh..amafaghag. wow, do i feel any better? i dont know? is this causing me to think about things? yes, it most certainly is.
now, i have many gay friends. i count a number of them amongst my closest friends actually. i am the girl who, at a party, will find the one gay man and stick to him like white on rice, even though there are a whole bunch of hot, straight men around. i am the girl who visits gay clubs so frequently, to the point where people recognise her there. i am the girl who gay men tell she has too many gay friends. and this is where my concern comes in.
i was with one of my fabulous gay friends the other day, and this girl came over to say hi (she knew him). they were talking about some or other closeted gay man, and then my buddy proceeded to tell me that she is a notorious fag hag. she smiled with pride. and then, unfortunately, the first thought that popped into my mind was (and i feel a bit ashamed saying this), 'im not surprised she turns to the gay population for male attention'. i know, its disgusting, but needs to be said in order to make my point later. and then i looked at myself.
i have noticed that women who tend to have many gay friends in relation to the heterosexual counterparts, or engage with gay men more, tend to either have very little lives of their own/live their love lives through their gay counterparts/avoid straight men completely/are secretly in love with their gay counterparts. obviously this is an exaggeration, but not a gross one. look around at the fag hags around you (in cape town they are not difficult to spot. they are either dressed head to toe in fabulousity, linking arms with the GBF, drinking fancy cocktails, or are of the less than attractive variation- i am the former). but what is it about hanging out with gay men that makes it such an attractive option? why do so many of us choose them over the men we are supposed to procreate with (dont answer that!)
it came to me a while back when i was talking to one of my gbf (yes, i went there). i had recently been told by another gay man that i have way too many gay friends, which at first i brushed off and just attributed that comment to jealousy cos i wasnt hanging out with him all the time, but then it really got me to thinking about what it is that gets me excited when i see them out (jamie and i had to restrain ourselves when a couple walked into the attic. shit is real). why do i choose to hang out with a piece of fabulousity all night instead of working the room in the hopes of finding a potential vessel for relations? and someone, cant remember who, said to me once, 'its because you are afraid of the penis'. *gasp* i know, thats exactly what i did, and i proceeded to protest such a statement. but im a logical person, so i think about things, and i realised that he was on to something. and even upon explaining this to my gbf, he totally understood and was in agreement.
i realised that gay men offer you that security of being with a male, without the threat of the penis. this is not in fear of the actual penis, its what that penis means. relations. intimacy. being vulnerable. feelings. worries. butterflies. anxiety. questions. answers. you see where i am going with this? you get that male-female connection (to an extent ofcourse), but you know that it will never get to that point where questions need to be asked and answered, so you feel more relaxed and free. you dont have to deal with all that other bullshit that comes from interacting with the hetero male (in relation to the penis stuff, we arent here to bash the hetero male). why the fear is there is different from person to person (mine is part insecurity-based, and part, 'wtf do i do if he likes me back?'), but there is a fear nonetheless.
you dont have that competition that women have with one another, thereby you dont feel threatened by them. they tell you how awesome you are, and make you feel good about yourself. they protect you from the meanness of the hetero male.
but in order to progress, and deal with all those scary things regarding the penis, we need to stop hiding behind the gay man. need to stop (or at least reduce) using him as a comfort blanket, and actually throw caution to the wind. this isnt just me, this can be extrapolated to all the fag hags all over the world.
we are all fabulous and just need to believe it. looking for adoration from the gay man shouldnt be the only option. looking for acceptance from the gay man, shouldnt be the only option. looking to oneself for adoration and acceptance should be the only option.
and with that, to the GBF, thank you. you are fabulous! and i will see you this weekend for cocktails and perving! :) xxx
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