who am i?

this is a question that most of us ask ourselves at some point in our mundane lives. what makes me 'me'? what am i here for? where am i going? for me, this is an almost daily question, to which i still do not have an answer. but then, last night, whislt lying in bed, i realised that there actually is no answer to this question.

everyone has their own definitions of what defines them. some define themselves by the status in society or the rest of the world; personality traits; family heritage; likes; dislikes, or just their general state of being. I have not yet decided how i define myself, and seek to understand myself instead, which has brought a new thought dimension to the table.

along with thinking about the fact that there actually is no true answer, i also started thinking about how we are constantly changing and evolving, and what it is that makes this process occur. I always understood myself as a kind of free spirit. i mentioned that in my 'yesterday i cried' post. someone who did what they did without a care in the world, lived by their own rules and didnt let anyone or anything define what they did or who they were. with a positive approach to life, i was guided by rational thought and not by feeling. everything could be rationalised to come to some kind of conclusive solution. i lived on a cloud, and welcomed anyone and everyone to join me and the party. no stress. no cares. just me and life.

but recently all of that has been changing, and i have noticed another part of me coming to the surface for air. which began to probe the questions, 'have i been living behind a facade?' or 'is this the next stage of development, and am i just merely evolving and 'adapting' to my own environment?'. i think its a bit of both. i have learnt in recent months (well, since living alone), that i am not as care free as i believed i was. in fact, i am crazily neurotic, a control freak, highly strung and giant anxious stress pot. yes, people, forget what your mother told you, its true. i have no clue where these dimensions popped up from, but here they are and i am being forced to deal with them. this is all something thats completely new to me, but like i asked, is it all new because i was living behind a facade and circumstances now have brought them to the surface, or am i just evolving?

and with this discovery, i am learning more about myself and how to handle these new parts of my being. and at the same time, crazy confused as i have never had to deal with it (or, perhaps, never wanted to). this is all a transitional phase in my life, from which unique lessons will have to be learnt, but will ultimately add to a bigger story. like i mentioned earlier, i believe that its a combination of the facade, and just adaptation and survival. but with that, did i ever really fully understand myself? know what i was all about, and actually knew what made me tick?

ask yourself those same questions. when you reflect on your life and what makes you 'you', think about what crazy elements about life contribute to the making of you. think about if you ever really know who you are. think about how you are going to evolve, and if you have any actual control over all of it (right now, i feel like i dont, but let me just start handling my business). i think that by thinking about these things, it can make the whole process of understanding that little bit easier...

but hey...#imjussayin

rabi

3 generations of awesome

i've BEEN wanting to write this post since the long weekend, but alas, apparently im in the middle of getting a degree, so i had to reprioritise some things. but i am here, albeit for a second, but here none the less.

so, this past weekend, my mom, her sisters and my grandmother all came down to cape town for a womens weekend. a weekend of love, life and luxury. i was looking forward to massages, butlers, fine wine, good food...oh, and hanging with my family. i got a lot more than i had bargained for i tell you.

i generally am not a big family person. dont get it twisted, i love my family to bits and pieces, but i have never been particularly close to any individuals, except my grandmother (who is the coolest, by the way. even cooler than those sick beanies she makes. ja, i know!!). this weekend gave me that opportunity to get to know each and every one of them individually, and in turn, learn more about myself and who i am.

watching and listening to these women who are all the same, yet all so different was an enlightening experience for me. my grandmother is full of tales of the past and present, and never wants to be forgotten. through that, she treasures every living moment with those individuals she loves, and has so much love in her heart to give. full of lessons that never grow old, at her old age, she is still itching to guide me on the path towards a happy and fulfilled life.

this has passed down to all of her daughters, who all share the same ethos, but approach it in different ways. we have divas, and we have simpletons. taking and living each moment as though it was their last. sharing with me tales of their youth that they believe i can learn from, and which i did. all of them wanting the best for and from each other and themselves. it was a connection i have never seen and experienced between siblings. even between people.

they all told me tales of my grandfather who passed on when i was about 12. i know him the way i remember him from that young age, but they invited me into a world where i would never have known him. all so proud so many years later, and still filled with love and loss in their hearts and minds. the tales they shared about their youth, made me properly understand how they have all grown into such beautiful, incredible, powerful women today. women who are still growing in those respects, and then some.

and then i thought of myself in this situation, and suddenly felt incredibly priviledged, and inadequate at the same time. inadequate in that they have all set incredibly high standards in the way they live, share, love and work, that i fear i will never be able to reach. i felt so small in this room of women who had achieved so much in their personal lives, and in their respective working worlds. and priviledged in that i can be proud to be a part of such a united front. be a part of such a group of women. to be a part of the legacy that they are all leaving behind.

i took a lot more than i had bargained for this weekend. i had planned on getting spoiled in terms of material gifts, but instead, my soul and heart got a lot more spoiled than i ever could have imagined.

thank you, you remarkable women. without you all in my life, i would not be who i am today: awesome.

#imjussayin

rabi

its me against the music

i only recently noticed that a lot of what we do, where we go, what we wear, and to an extent, how we think, is controlled by the music we listen to, and what currently is the 'in' thing. i know that what is hip on the scene controls a lot of how we live our lives and has a huge impact on our social cultures, but i never realised the impact that music itself has on this world.

a while back it was all about the techno dance beats, circa-bad times. this music encouraged guys to pump the iron and usn, girls to stop wearing clothes, and commissioned wife beaters and pinstripe shirts with white shoes into the fashion and sports magazines the world over (and by world, i mean the small, secluded space we tend to call 'home'). if you werent with it, you just didnt know.

and with time, these jocks started calming down, but were still a prevalent part of society. years on, and the white shoes were still jamming, the pinstriped shirts were still soaked in sweat, and girls still had not managed to locate their dresses (someone get that girl a jacket, its cold!!!). clubs like tiger tiger, manhattan..and..um..others were popping up everywhere to fill the need in the market. techno dance was the thing, and once again, if you didnt know, you had to aks somebody.

this left other musical genres in the dust, wishing and hoping for a chance to shine. and their time has now come, influencing yet another subculture of ultra cool hipsters. a complete transformation of what we knew about the world around us. a whole new world has opened up, and once again, music has been at the forefront of it.

we are now hitting the indie music scene, which i think can be divided into a) indie electro and b) indie rock, each drawing its own specific crowd, life and energy. the pinstripe shirts and white shoes have been traded in for plaid shirts and either tommy tackies, your grandfathers walking shoes, or tres cool high tops (depending on whether you are rock or electro. dont get these 2 mixed up!). some girls have located their clothes, where others seem to enjoy the cold breeze between their legs. each to her own, i guess.

but suddenly everyone has an artistic streak, and shy away from conforming to materialism. they all kick it old school in some old geezers garments, and whip out a guitar or dj decks whenever they have a chance. wounded souls and crazy hair are suddenly in. and if you cant draw a perfect circle, or churn out a middle c without being tuned, then you really just dont know.

and like their pinstiped counterparts, these kids are very involved in the music and the world and safety it offers them. they behave the way they are supposed to, speak the way they are supposed to, and specifically dress the way they are supposed to. never at any point pushing boundaries or the authorities. staying on the path...

...until the next phase of music comes in, and like the techno dance jocks, they too, will be forgotten.

but hey, #imjusssayin

rabi

i just dont get the 40%-ers

i feel like one of the most fortunate women in the world. i am surrounded by the most incredible women i have had the luxury of meeting. all of them beautiful, intelligent, witty, independent, adventurous, can hold their liquor, know what they want out of life and arent afraid to go for it, and...single.

the last point, i fail to understand, really. jamie's brother (in fact, both of them) has asked us countless times why we are single. we shrug and say, 'boys are stupid'. they launch into a speech about how they do not understand the young men of today, because we are basically everything that i described above. and all we can do in response is shrug our shoulders and pour ourselves another glass of wine. i generally am not too phased by this, and console myself by saying 'boys are stupid', but yesterday, over lunch, my mates and i became increasingly bitter about this.

our discussion started with me telling them that there were couples all over the assembly the previous night, and i just didnt understand why they felt the need to come out. personally, i hate seeing couples doing their thing right in front of me. we all know what they are thinking, 'poor singleton. lets just lunge here, to make her feel that little bit more inadequate' (unfortunately for them, it takes a lot more than that to make me feel inadequate!). i just find it annoying, and dont understand why they cant do their thing at home. this escalated to the fact that even unattractive couples are roaming the streets in a cloud of bliss, whilst we shuffle along wondering, 'what the fuck'.

then the million dollar question was posed, 'well, what is wrong with us?'. we sat there, and thought. and thought. and thought some more. and couldnt come up with anything. puse and i were rolling off a list of attributes that we all have, but which somehow fail to attract the opposite sex. 'we are hot, we are sexy, we are intelligent, we are helluva funny, we are independent, we are free sprited, WHAT IS IT???'. we just had to conclude with the notion that perhaps boys are just stupid.

but really, are they? i refuse to actually believe it. i really do. and i think its a little bit unfair that we immediately jump to that conclusion. i am not arguing on the side of the male species here, in fact, i am trying to avoid an argument all together. i just dont understand the way in which they think. i look at all my friends, all amazing and incredible in their own ways, but all single. then i look at those individuals in couples, and say 'really?' what is it that a guy looks for in a girl with relationship potential? is it the girl who looks good on his arm? is it the girl who is a supporting actress in his movie? is it a chic he can lunge whenever he is drunk? what is it?

perhaps we are just socialising with the wrong subsection of the male species at this point in our lives. i mean, we are surrounded by university guys. young fellows still learning new things about the intricacies of their own lives and the women they surround themselves with. my friend, mbaita, posed the theory that most women of this day and age (us specifically) may just be too much maintenance for the types of guys we associate ourselves with. i had to agree with her on this point. we want to be independent, but still be taken care of . we want to be in control, but still want someone to call the shots from time to time. we want to be all seeing and all knowing, but want someone who will call us on our shit. we want everything, and we want nothing. we are pretty damn scary i think for most guys, i think. we come with a force, and refuse to be the supporting role in anyone else's live, but will happily have you be our supporting lead.

puse's theory is that boys are all about 40%-ers, and dont want to be on the Dean's merit list. i laughed.

i dont really know what point i am trying to make here. i think there are a few:
a) i have some amazing friends
b) i dont understand how all of them are single, and there are few prospects on the horizon (i include myself in this)
c) i dont understand how boys think, and am curious as to what makes them tick
d) some of us are crazy bitter at the moment, so if you are in a couple, dont cross my path

but hey, imjussayin

rabi