in my spare time ...

not exactly in my spare time, there is no spare time, but time can be made spare at the expense of less interesting endeavours.

i was just doing some work and profiling bhp billiton. this company's revenue for 2010 amounted to about US$52 billion. anyway, so i looked up the IMF's 2010 estimates for the GDP of African countries ...as one does. in this table, all the countries in green have GDPs that are less than the revenue of BHP Billiton-one company. tis ridiculous.

#imjussayin

jamie

stereomood.com

and last thing - this will change your life:

www.stereomood.com

#imjussayin

the war council

it has been a shitty year for the world with the jasmine revolutions, earthquakes, floods ...just general mayhem. the world's bad energy has seemingly extended to me on a personal level this year and i've needed to face some seismic events of my own - this is not going to be an oprah session, i am just giving some background. (*disclaimer: i am in no way comparing my personal woes to what is happening in japan, libya etc - that is infinitely more real) aaaand onto the point...

this weekend, when life took another interesting turn, i realised that there are people in my life without whom i would be able to emerge safely from any precarious situation... my war council. from chicago to cape town this phenomenal group of people disarm the shittiest of situations; calm me when i am struck with a bout of irrationality and usually have me laughing in no time at all. the un security council has nothing on the peacekeeping abilities of these people - if this council was in charge of world affairs, the world would be an infinitely better and more balanced place. so i guess this is a public thank you to the war council - too much love.

to end off, rabi: get a blackberry.

#imjussayin

i dont think boys are that stupid...

...i think it could be me. or maybe im just a scaredy cat? meeeeoooow

firstly, welcome back. it is now 2011, and i have just returned from a phenomenal trip to the land down under. met some amazing people, saw incredible sites, and witnessed some unbelievable scenes. have lots of blogworthy news to tell you, which i will do over a series of posts. but let me start off with one that has been plaguing me for a while, and got me thinking after i returned.

i have the weirdest problem with intimacy. and i dont know if its just me, or if its a universal thing, hence im sharing it with all of you, and we can discuss this, as we have discussed many issues regarding the male-female relationship and the crazy intricacies of this sordid partnership.


the other night, jamie and i sat together and tried to recall all the people we have hooked up with since our younger teenage years. after compiling this extensive list (yes, extensive), we decided to see how many of these lucky gentlemen we could actually personally recall regarding connection, situation and level of inebriation. connection came out very low, situation was hazy and level of inebriation was relatively high. which brought about the question as to why we engaged in these conquests. and more so, why it was so easy to hook up with total randoms, yet when it comes to someone we actually have feelings toward, we freeze up and it becomes impossible.


and this is where im heading to here, i can slore around with the best of them (although i choose not to, unless there is a reason that i have embarked on some sort of rampage), but if i meet someone, and there is a connection and i begin to have feelings for them or whatever, all that pseudo confidence that i exude goes straight out the window, and i, in turn, freak out. even if they do show interest, and a moment is had, i will still freak out and completely bail. what is that all about?


let me tell you a tale, on my recent travels to australia, i met a really cool guy. and when i first met him, i was indifferent, then i decided that i wanted to hit that. and when i decide that i want to hit something, i generally, well sometimes do, and without a second thought. i get my game face on, give them the telling touch on the lower back or shoulder etc etc etc. but i started hanging out with said dude, and all that shit went right out the window! i started to feel something for this fellow, and all i could say was, 'fuck'. and the more we hung out, the more reclusive i became. and all i could do was sit there, hoping and praying that in some alternate universe what i was doing would be considered wooing, and that he would get this message and kiss me. but unfortunately we live in this universe, and my 'signals' would not have even been able to get a dead meerkat excited. there were even moments where something could have, and may have happened, but me being me, i bolted for the stars on the other side of the field.

and left the situation going, 'what the fuck is wrong with me?'. and being generally angry with the world and myself. it could have been something, and yet, it could have been absolutely nothing. why is it that with perfect strangers i can get my game on, but the minute its something more, i tense up and behave like a scared cat in the rain? thats what i am, a scared cat chilling in the rain. is it the fear of rejection? or is it the fear that i may be approaching something real? where does this fear come from? and is there a pill or injection i can take to get rid of it? is it just me or is this a universal problem? what is the fear behind all of this? behind finding someone, and something potentially real and lifechanging (for the better or worse)?

and if this is a universal problem (please say it is, so that i dont feel like a freak), is it only designated to women, or do men go through the same thing?

i dont know.

but hey
#imjussayin

rabi

and now, the end is near...

apparently the last blog post was written on 25 october! sweet lord! apologies all round. sincere apologies. have been feeling pretty uninspired with the end of school looming, thesis hand in, holiday plans, graduation, holiday internships etc. i now have no excuse, and this will just be a short one looking back on the year that was 2010.

looking back on the year that was, i must admit that this has been a pretty phenomenal one. not only in terms of us as a nation joining as one during the world cup, and making our country and ourselves proud, but in terms of self exploration, self discovery, self annihilation and self acceptance. and i hope i am not only talking about myself, but of everyone reading this post.

2010 provided opportunities for one to explore their own personal paradigms. explore the world around them.i know that i took these opportunities for what they were, and learnt so much more about who i am and what i want, than i have in the past 4 years put together at varsity, which is pretty damn awesome, and a little disturbing at the same time. i have had the opportunity of meeting some incredible people, and being exposed to some amazing scenes, which have only contributed to the moulding of my soul. some relationships have died, old ones have been rekindled, and new ones have formed. all being just as important as the next, and a further indication that that is how life works, and with it, how we develop and grow as people. so thank you to you all.

and with the end of 2010, has come the culmination of 4 years of hard work at university. school work and life work. one just as important as the other. and with the end of this chapter, a new one must begin. filled with new characters, perhaps a new storyline, a new mood. who knows? that is the beauty of the new chapter. its exciting, yet eerily daunting, and i know that there are so many of us who are about to turn that page, not really knowing what to expect. some have an inkling, others (such as myself), are jumping into uncharted waters and have no idea what the future holds for them. but for me, although it is as scary as hell, it is the most exciting thing ever as it is the first time in my life that i get to decide what the next chapter will be all about. i have the opportunity to write it as i read and experience it, fuckups and all.

so, to 2010, thank you for everything. for showing me to the world that i want to experience, introducing me to the people who i need to learn from, and exposing a part of myself to me. the good times and the bad times have all played a critical role in making 2010 the year that was felt. and boy, did i feel it!!! it really was here!

and in the words of kanye west (and it pains me to even type this out, but this is one thing that he has said that makes sense to me):

Let's have a toast for the douchebags,
Let's have a toast for the assholes,
Let's have a toast for the scumbags,
Every one of them that I know
Let's have a toast for the jerkoffs
That'll never take work off

Happy 2010 to you all. i hope it was as liberating, phenomenal, incredible and painful as mine was.

see you all in the new year! behave yourself, by leaving your car keys, geese and names at home when you head out.

but hey, #imjussayin

rabi

rules of social etiquette

as we grow up we are taught what to say, how to say it, how to act, what to do, what to wear, and how to think. there is a large guideline as how to one should act in certain situations, and appropriate measures for conducting one's behaviour. and this guideline is pretty helpful in keeping some sense of social order in the so-called crazy world we live in. we all know what to expect in certain situations. what to do. and how to react.

im cool with this...to an extent. i can adhere to the rules of the masses. i mean, like i said, it does keep some sense of order. but when it comes to how i must conduct myself, while only endangering myself, then i have an issue. let me explain, and then we can discuss....

i was born without a social filter, and have very little understanding of social subtext. no, but really. if i think back as a kid, i always did what i did when i wanted, and even though some actions were frowned upon by others, i never understood why they should care, or why in fact, it bothered them. i remember this particular incident in grade 7: there were about 70 of us in a school meeting type thing, and i really had to...um...you know...haveababyfart. and what i thought, and planned, to be a small one, actually surprised me...and the rest of the hall. so, i just proclaimed loudly that i was in fact the dodgy dealer, and apologised for my rudeness, and let the meeting continue. but what i remember not understanding was why everyone was embarrassed for me, when i wasnt even remotely embarrassed for myself. i rationalised it all by telling myself that i had done something completely human, and that what happened wasnt a big deal at all. i owned it, and didnt give 2 shits about what the others thought or felt.

now dont get it twisted, im not advocating happily farting in public. sometimes the occassion just doesnt call for it. what i am getting at here, is that one should be able to do and act the way they feel even if it goes against what society pegs as 'right' or 'wrong'.

with these social guidelines, people end up being restricted in what they can and cannot say. and with that, when they say what is really on their mind, its frowned upon. which is something i dont truly understand. if we are constantly being encouraged to be free in terms of what we say, do and think, then why is it that when we do just that, we get the stank eye?

there have been countless times when i have said something that i thought was honest and okay, and have received that 'look'. the one of judgment, disgust and for some obscure reason, pity. my thoughts are that if im not embarrassed by what i am saying, and can happily own it, then why is it an issue on the other side. ok, now it sounds like im advocating hate speech. i really am not. all the crap that i do say is rarely in a negative light. the point that im trying to drive home, is once again, that one should be able to say what they want. full stop. and not let their thoughts and actions be dictated by society's guidelines.

i have even been told that i cant decipher social subtext from the other side. i am useless. but i think thats a flirting thing, which i will address another day. but i really am useless. my thing is that if you are interested in someone, instead of just being straight up and saving eachother times, airtime, and just general rollercoaster feelings, one feels the need to play some kind of game that has been designed by the social BoD. but once again, this is a discussion for another day.

ok, this must seriously be a horrible read cos my thoughts are all over the show, but i really just needed to jot them down somewhere, and share them. open the floor in fact, and see if im just being crazy, or if we can cultivate a new social world where people are not afraid to just be, and with that be honest and open, and not be scared or embarrassed to be themselves. yes? no? maybe?

but hey, #imjussayin

rabi

free spirited with a dollop of control?!?

I have a journal and a blog…neither of which I write in, seemingly. Not entirely sure which of those two this is going to end up in. If you are reading it then I obviously decided to post it… or you are creeping my journal which is a generally frowned upon thing to do.

This picture is completely unrelated, but it made me laugh.

Despite this calm façade, I am a control freak. There, I said it, heave a sigh of relief. This is something I have always known and something that my nearest and dearest have stumbled upon over the course of knowing me. Also… disclaimer *this is not “control freak” in the sense that I am particularly concerned about what other people do or about controlling other people- this is more personal, I like to be firmly in control of myself. Which could sound weird… who else would be in control?! Anyway, this is specifically the case when I experience emotions that drag me out of neutral- either positive or negative. Once I have gotten over the shock of something external actually having the gall to affect me, (Rabi and) I, in a state of panic, retract and have an overwhelming instinct to run. This is however, not always possible (I do think that if we had the entire world’s money nobody would see us for dust) so we go on protracted missions of finding ourselves (again) by doing things that we wouldn’t ordinarily do. I have, for example, gone through a hiking phase, a museum and art gallery phase and the tried and failed “let’s just get drunk and see how we feel in the morning” phase- not the best of the above.

An aside…I think this is going to the blog… I have been missing in action and Rabi has been dropping uncomfortable hints ;-)

The point of this entry, I think (it is still a work in progress), is that I have for the past few months been experiencing a very strong and very beautiful emotion that has taken me places I didn’t think I was able to go to. I have heard about these places like I have heard about the Loch Ness monster- I didn’t buy it, but have since discovered that that shit is very real... not the monster… I am getting lost in this metaphor…

To link the very strong very beautiful emotion to the control freak/ Ussain Bolt instinct: Up until now, the chances of any emotion with its origins on the “outside” finding its way in AND surviving the Bolt instinct has been lower than Burkina Faso’s GDP. This has since changed, not to say that the instinct isn’t there- I think it probably always will be- just that it has seemingly finally met its match...

#imjussayin