no real purpose

Jamie and i originally started this blog with no particular purpose. well, apart from the fact that we kept spamming everyone's wall with our wall posts, it was just a place to right anything and basically everything. it then evolved to a place where we would discuss thing we had learnt about ourselves and the world: relationships, dynamics, economics, anything. jame deals with the intellectual, i deal with the social and emotional. there is something for everyone. but the main focus is on the learning experiences each and every one of us goes through.

now, just because we are hush hush at times, don't for one second think that we are not out there experiencing and learning all there is that the world has to offer. every single day offers new opportunities for growth and development, and don't you forget that little fact. never take your shit for granted!

right now i'm just writing for the sake of writing. i have ideas in my head that are swirling around like an LG whirlpool, but its gathering and sorting that washing that is proving to the be the most difficult thing at the moment. and now that i have a job, i feel that i have to censor what it is that i say now. does anyone else have that feeling, or is it just me? does that happen at one point in your life, where you can no longer have that youthful freedom and have to tailor everything that you say and do to please somebody else? but then at what point are you selling yourself short? cutting yourself out of the deal? losing your sense of spirit?

there's no real purpose to this post. am speaking for the sake of speaking, and truth be told, i do miss all of you in the blogosphere.

but i guess this blog is called #imjussayin for a reason, isnt it :)

rabi

pieces of heart lying everywhere

yesterday i felt emotions i didnt know existed in the general world, let alone that i could harbour such feelings. this freaked me out more than anything in the world, and as usual got me thinking. and you know when i start thinking about the world and relationships within, i have to present them to the forum for a discussion and see if we can unpack this.

on one of my many global excursions i met a boy (as one does). he was amazing. incredible in fact. made me laugh. made me feel awkward. made me feel like a teenager - butterflies and all. nothing happened. when i returned back to the land of the ZAR, i felt compelled to tell him how i felt (a little too late most would say), and he shared the exact same sentiments. we were both upset that neither of us made a move, but couldnt dwell on that. "woop woop" wasnt enough to describe how i felt when i saw that email from him. then sadness dipped into my heart when i realised that we were on opposite sides of the world, and the notion of us being together was just a dream. but a great dream at that.

so, no matter what i would lend a minute to him in my thoughts everyday. just a minute to let my heart have a bit of a flutter. whenever he sent me a mail, my face would break into a huge smile; i would go all warm and fuzzy inside. if i saw him on skype, i would fall off my chair due to the sheer excitement, then run to the bathroom to fix myself up before clicking 'call'. i never let the reality of the situation affect me, and decided instead to enjoy the fantasy. and thank god to me upgrading my phone, everyday communication was no longer a chore. it became a norm.

until he recently broke the news to me that he was in fact gay. hmmmmm. upon reading this, my first thought was 'who stole his phone and is playing this practical joke?' i was in no way prepared for such news, and even worse, what i felt. this was a complete curve ball. did i not notice anything? apparently not.

i have had a fair few friends come out to me. and i have always handled this with grace and elegance, and gone on to support them as much as much as possible. this time there was no grace nor elegance. all i could think was 'so has everything been a lie then?'. and for some unbeknown reason i was trembling and fighting back the tears. what the hell?? i felt sad. i felt betrayed. and to an extent, heartbroken.

and then i realised that i was being completely selfish with my emotions. what was he going through, and how difficult must it have been for him to tell me news like this. but at the same time, i just could not handle this, and was taking a full on minute to process the news. what is the appropriate response in such a situation? when you meet someone, and have an incredible connection and think one thing, but in actual fact you were completely wrong, and not at any single point where you made to think any differently. we were both dealing with the same thing from different perspectives- him receltly coming to terms with his sexuality, and me coming to the terms with not knowing what to feel nor what to think about everything from the moment we met. its a lot to process from both sides, and at the same time difficult to understand.

is it okay to be angry? is it okay to be sad? what is the correct recourse in this situation? what emotions are acceptable? i was feeling things i never knew i was capable of feeling, with an intenstity i almost couldnt bear. is that acceptable? i realised that i liked him a lot more than i thought i did, and that hurt even more. but at the end of the day, he is not to blame. no one is. but now what?

the love that we expressed to one another during this was intense. deep. but can we ever get to where we used to be? my heart still aches whenever i think about it though. it kind of sucks. but i am proud of him too.

but hey, #imjussayin

rabi

what's your relationship status?

i have been thinking about relationships quite a lot recently. wondering what they mean; what they stand for; the criteria for one; and whether i want one, or am even ready for one, and if so, when will it happen?

most of you know that jamie is in a relationship. some people are shocked by this announcement, and to be honest, when it first came about those many months ago, i was shocked too. i mean, this is my best friend, and for ages it had been me and her against the world. screw relationships. screw love. screw men (well, um...ja, but hopefully you catch my drift). then she entered a relationship with the coolest dude ever, and i noticed a change. a good change. i had always feared that some man would come in and shut down the party, but if anything, he has done the complete opposite, and brought us closer together. and he seems to have removed most, if not all, of the cynism she had towards relationships.

i on the other hand am still holding down the fort. team cynism, lets go! but recently i met someone. this dude. he is cool. we have been hanging out. and its as simple as that. most of my friends have been plaguing me with questions from day 1 about what our relationship status, and my answer has always been the same, "we are not in a relationship. we are just hanging out". and i stuck to this, because even though at times i would question my own beliefs, there was no need for me to think that things were any different. and when i did think differently, a call was immediately made to the war council

then came 'the talk'. yup, that talk. and the minute he brought it up, i started to freak out in my mind. i didnt know what his direction was going to be, and how i would feel about what he would say. what did i want??? did i want to stay where i was? did i want to take that leap? shit!

"I dont want a relationship" he said, and truth be told, i actually breathed a sigh of relief. thank god! this relief did bother me a little bit. was that the appropriate reaction? but we opened the discussion to the floor and decided that we aren't in a relationship and that we are totally comfortable with where we are. we are happy with the way things are. we did establish one rule though, and that is that there is honesty at all times regarding the pace and direction of this non-relationship relationship. we fist bumped to make it official.

now, my question is, is this a realistic endeavour? or have we completely redefined what happens between 2 people? seemingly we are in an open relationship, but do these really actually work? and if so, how? can they be successful with one person not getting hurt? and are they really fair to both parties involved? in essence, we are having our cake and eating it, but doesnt too much cake make you sick? we all saw how that fat kid suffered through those chocolate cakes in Matilda. and is there the possibilty that we could find ourselves in the same relationship location as jamie? or are we just wasting our time?

and with these answers pending, do you sign out now to avoid finding out, or do you just wait it out and learn from experience?

does the relationship still mean what it used to mean?

i dont know, but hey #imjussayin

in my spare time ...

not exactly in my spare time, there is no spare time, but time can be made spare at the expense of less interesting endeavours.

i was just doing some work and profiling bhp billiton. this company's revenue for 2010 amounted to about US$52 billion. anyway, so i looked up the IMF's 2010 estimates for the GDP of African countries ...as one does. in this table, all the countries in green have GDPs that are less than the revenue of BHP Billiton-one company. tis ridiculous.

#imjussayin

jamie

stereomood.com

and last thing - this will change your life:

www.stereomood.com

#imjussayin

the war council

it has been a shitty year for the world with the jasmine revolutions, earthquakes, floods ...just general mayhem. the world's bad energy has seemingly extended to me on a personal level this year and i've needed to face some seismic events of my own - this is not going to be an oprah session, i am just giving some background. (*disclaimer: i am in no way comparing my personal woes to what is happening in japan, libya etc - that is infinitely more real) aaaand onto the point...

this weekend, when life took another interesting turn, i realised that there are people in my life without whom i would be able to emerge safely from any precarious situation... my war council. from chicago to cape town this phenomenal group of people disarm the shittiest of situations; calm me when i am struck with a bout of irrationality and usually have me laughing in no time at all. the un security council has nothing on the peacekeeping abilities of these people - if this council was in charge of world affairs, the world would be an infinitely better and more balanced place. so i guess this is a public thank you to the war council - too much love.

to end off, rabi: get a blackberry.

#imjussayin

i dont think boys are that stupid...

...i think it could be me. or maybe im just a scaredy cat? meeeeoooow

firstly, welcome back. it is now 2011, and i have just returned from a phenomenal trip to the land down under. met some amazing people, saw incredible sites, and witnessed some unbelievable scenes. have lots of blogworthy news to tell you, which i will do over a series of posts. but let me start off with one that has been plaguing me for a while, and got me thinking after i returned.

i have the weirdest problem with intimacy. and i dont know if its just me, or if its a universal thing, hence im sharing it with all of you, and we can discuss this, as we have discussed many issues regarding the male-female relationship and the crazy intricacies of this sordid partnership.


the other night, jamie and i sat together and tried to recall all the people we have hooked up with since our younger teenage years. after compiling this extensive list (yes, extensive), we decided to see how many of these lucky gentlemen we could actually personally recall regarding connection, situation and level of inebriation. connection came out very low, situation was hazy and level of inebriation was relatively high. which brought about the question as to why we engaged in these conquests. and more so, why it was so easy to hook up with total randoms, yet when it comes to someone we actually have feelings toward, we freeze up and it becomes impossible.


and this is where im heading to here, i can slore around with the best of them (although i choose not to, unless there is a reason that i have embarked on some sort of rampage), but if i meet someone, and there is a connection and i begin to have feelings for them or whatever, all that pseudo confidence that i exude goes straight out the window, and i, in turn, freak out. even if they do show interest, and a moment is had, i will still freak out and completely bail. what is that all about?


let me tell you a tale, on my recent travels to australia, i met a really cool guy. and when i first met him, i was indifferent, then i decided that i wanted to hit that. and when i decide that i want to hit something, i generally, well sometimes do, and without a second thought. i get my game face on, give them the telling touch on the lower back or shoulder etc etc etc. but i started hanging out with said dude, and all that shit went right out the window! i started to feel something for this fellow, and all i could say was, 'fuck'. and the more we hung out, the more reclusive i became. and all i could do was sit there, hoping and praying that in some alternate universe what i was doing would be considered wooing, and that he would get this message and kiss me. but unfortunately we live in this universe, and my 'signals' would not have even been able to get a dead meerkat excited. there were even moments where something could have, and may have happened, but me being me, i bolted for the stars on the other side of the field.

and left the situation going, 'what the fuck is wrong with me?'. and being generally angry with the world and myself. it could have been something, and yet, it could have been absolutely nothing. why is it that with perfect strangers i can get my game on, but the minute its something more, i tense up and behave like a scared cat in the rain? thats what i am, a scared cat chilling in the rain. is it the fear of rejection? or is it the fear that i may be approaching something real? where does this fear come from? and is there a pill or injection i can take to get rid of it? is it just me or is this a universal problem? what is the fear behind all of this? behind finding someone, and something potentially real and lifechanging (for the better or worse)?

and if this is a universal problem (please say it is, so that i dont feel like a freak), is it only designated to women, or do men go through the same thing?

i dont know.

but hey
#imjussayin

rabi