yesterday i felt emotions i didnt know existed in the general world, let alone that i could harbour such feelings. this freaked me out more than anything in the world, and as usual got me thinking. and you know when i start thinking about the world and relationships within, i have to present them to the forum for a discussion and see if we can unpack this.
on one of my many global excursions i met a boy (as one does). he was amazing. incredible in fact. made me laugh. made me feel awkward. made me feel like a teenager - butterflies and all. nothing happened. when i returned back to the land of the ZAR, i felt compelled to tell him how i felt (a little too late most would say), and he shared the exact same sentiments. we were both upset that neither of us made a move, but couldnt dwell on that. "woop woop" wasnt enough to describe how i felt when i saw that email from him. then sadness dipped into my heart when i realised that we were on opposite sides of the world, and the notion of us being together was just a dream. but a great dream at that.
so, no matter what i would lend a minute to him in my thoughts everyday. just a minute to let my heart have a bit of a flutter. whenever he sent me a mail, my face would break into a huge smile; i would go all warm and fuzzy inside. if i saw him on skype, i would fall off my chair due to the sheer excitement, then run to the bathroom to fix myself up before clicking 'call'. i never let the reality of the situation affect me, and decided instead to enjoy the fantasy. and thank god to me upgrading my phone, everyday communication was no longer a chore. it became a norm.
until he recently broke the news to me that he was in fact gay. hmmmmm. upon reading this, my first thought was 'who stole his phone and is playing this practical joke?' i was in no way prepared for such news, and even worse, what i felt. this was a complete curve ball. did i not notice anything? apparently not.
i have had a fair few friends come out to me. and i have always handled this with grace and elegance, and gone on to support them as much as much as possible. this time there was no grace nor elegance. all i could think was 'so has everything been a lie then?'. and for some unbeknown reason i was trembling and fighting back the tears. what the hell?? i felt sad. i felt betrayed. and to an extent, heartbroken.
and then i realised that i was being completely selfish with my emotions. what was he going through, and how difficult must it have been for him to tell me news like this. but at the same time, i just could not handle this, and was taking a full on minute to process the news. what is the appropriate response in such a situation? when you meet someone, and have an incredible connection and think one thing, but in actual fact you were completely wrong, and not at any single point where you made to think any differently. we were both dealing with the same thing from different perspectives- him receltly coming to terms with his sexuality, and me coming to the terms with not knowing what to feel nor what to think about everything from the moment we met. its a lot to process from both sides, and at the same time difficult to understand.
is it okay to be angry? is it okay to be sad? what is the correct recourse in this situation? what emotions are acceptable? i was feeling things i never knew i was capable of feeling, with an intenstity i almost couldnt bear. is that acceptable? i realised that i liked him a lot more than i thought i did, and that hurt even more. but at the end of the day, he is not to blame. no one is. but now what?
the love that we expressed to one another during this was intense. deep. but can we ever get to where we used to be? my heart still aches whenever i think about it though. it kind of sucks. but i am proud of him too.
but hey, #imjussayin
rabi
