...i think it could be me. or maybe im just a scaredy cat? meeeeoooow
firstly, welcome back. it is now 2011, and i have just returned from a phenomenal trip to the land down under. met some amazing people, saw incredible sites, and witnessed some unbelievable scenes. have lots of blogworthy news to tell you, which i will do over a series of posts. but let me start off with one that has been plaguing me for a while, and got me thinking after i returned.
i have the weirdest problem with intimacy. and i dont know if its just me, or if its a universal thing, hence im sharing it with all of you, and we can discuss this, as we have discussed many issues regarding the male-female relationship and the crazy intricacies of this sordid partnership.
the other night, jamie and i sat together and tried to recall all the people we have hooked up with since our younger teenage years. after compiling this extensive list (yes, extensive), we decided to see how many of these lucky gentlemen we could actually personally recall regarding connection, situation and level of inebriation. connection came out very low, situation was hazy and level of inebriation was relatively high. which brought about the question as to why we engaged in these conquests. and more so, why it was so easy to hook up with total randoms, yet when it comes to someone we actually have feelings toward, we freeze up and it becomes impossible.
and this is where im heading to here, i can slore around with the best of them (although i choose not to, unless there is a reason that i have embarked on some sort of rampage), but if i meet someone, and there is a connection and i begin to have feelings for them or whatever, all that pseudo confidence that i exude goes straight out the window, and i, in turn, freak out. even if they do show interest, and a moment is had, i will still freak out and completely bail. what is that all about?
let me tell you a tale, on my recent travels to australia, i met a really cool guy. and when i first met him, i was indifferent, then i decided that i wanted to hit that. and when i decide that i want to hit something, i generally, well sometimes do, and without a second thought. i get my game face on, give them the telling touch on the lower back or shoulder etc etc etc. but i started hanging out with said dude, and all that shit went right out the window! i started to feel something for this fellow, and all i could say was, 'fuck'. and the more we hung out, the more reclusive i became. and all i could do was sit there, hoping and praying that in some alternate universe what i was doing would be considered wooing, and that he would get this message and kiss me. but unfortunately we live in this universe, and my 'signals' would not have even been able to get a dead meerkat excited. there were even moments where something could have, and may have happened, but me being me, i bolted for the stars on the other side of the field.
and left the situation going, 'what the fuck is wrong with me?'. and being generally angry with the world and myself. it could have been something, and yet, it could have been absolutely nothing. why is it that with perfect strangers i can get my game on, but the minute its something more, i tense up and behave like a scared cat in the rain? thats what i am, a scared cat chilling in the rain. is it the fear of rejection? or is it the fear that i may be approaching something real? where does this fear come from? and is there a pill or injection i can take to get rid of it? is it just me or is this a universal problem? what is the fear behind all of this? behind finding someone, and something potentially real and lifechanging (for the better or worse)?
and if this is a universal problem (please say it is, so that i dont feel like a freak), is it only designated to women, or do men go through the same thing?
i dont know.
but hey
#imjussayin
rabi
