the autobahn of expectation

jamie has been promising to blog about this for an age, but now i am over it and will just do it myself (jamie, you are useless, but i heart you nonetheless).

the autobahn of expectation. ah, yes. i have been on a number of autobahns in my life. filled with traffic at some points, easy flowing at others, but the one that leads to a destination called 'expectation' is the worst one in ever.

oh, bee-tee-dub, this is in relation to boys. when is it never? they lead you down a certain path and you think its going to be smooth riding like the gravy train, but no, it never is! balls! does he like me? what did that mean? typical girly bullshit is what it is.

anyways, the problem with this autobahn is that at some points you have to wonder, is it self inflicted? am i having a crazy acid flashback and seeing traffic signs and beacons where there are in fact, none? is that really a traffic cop? am i even speeding? what the fuck is going on? this is a road where one should not be drunk driving, thats for sure.

and as you travel along this road, enjoying the sites that you pass and the people that you meet, there comes a time where you have to ask yourself, 'are we there yet?' and because you dont have a GPS, and like me, never keep a map book and stupidly trust your geographical instincts, you are totally fucked. so you just keep driving, in the vain hope that at least something will tell you if you need to take the next offramp, or just keep going.

i am currently on that autobahn, and things are looking pretty dire at this moment. am looking for the next offramp, but the signage here is ridiculous. oh, and the potholes! its like driving through coffee bay. yes, thats exactly what it is! and frankly, im just growing heavily annoyed and tired. i want to leave, but because im crazily sadistic, i stay on it. living in that dream that maybe, for once, i will get to my destination and it will be GLORIOUS!! but for my own pride, and just as a general time and energy saving tactic (and petrol is not cheap at all!), i need to get off because things could get pretty awkward, quite quickly. eish.

oh wait, theres a traffic cop, maybe he can tell me how far it is to the next off ramp.

'500m' he says

'thank buddha!' i reply, 'i hope there is a steers diner. i need to drown my sorrows and get some energy in the form of flapjacks with bacon, eggs and loads of syrup, and an energy vitamin water'.

#imjussayin

rabi

the grass is greener in your own back yard

hello! molo! dumela! ola!

yes, it has a been a while, and instead of launching into a long tirade of apologies and excuses regarding our absence, im going to jump straight into it (jamie has been in china so she is excused. i was living in the world cup, so technically i am excused to).

being present in your presence is one of the most important things to live by. its a personal mantra. a hymn. a verse. in fact, its my whole bible. when one isnt happy in their own presence, and with themselves at the present time, and is continuously waiting for this grand moment that will change their lives forever and FINALLY make them happy, then one isnt living at all. if you are waiting....you will be waiting forever, because who is to say that this moment will even come, or if it will have the desired effect you had hoped for.

i often go to the big jhb to visit my mother and best mate, and whenever i come back, i always think that jhb is the ultimate place for me and that cape town is just wasting my time. so when it came time for june vac, i told my mother '6 weeks woman. cape town has nothing to offer me'. i was going ot jhb thinking that i was finally going to find some other kind of fucked up happiness, peace, clarity about life, and just a new perspective in general. i completely disregarded everything the ct had shown me and taught me, and thought it all boiled down to me being too big for my own boots in this crazy small city. 'why am i here??' i kept asking myself, 'when i get to jhb, i will really know what life is all about'.

got the the big smoke, and boy was i in for a surprise. as much as i love that city, i didnt get that feeling that i was expecting. i thought that since jamie had settled in so well into this city, and forged this whole new life for herself, surely the same should happen to me? right? WRONG! i didnt get what i wanted, and boy did it put me into a funk of undesirable measure. i didnt know what was going on, and i didnt understand why i was not getting that warm fuzzy feeling i was looking so forward to. i was in a shitty job, which didnt help the situation, if anything, only aggravated it. basically, i was in one of the worst spaces/clutch outs i have ever had to endure. so. not. cool. what was i to do? one word came to mind: FUCK.

jamie kept telling me to be happy in my personal space, and that i cant attribute the way i was feeling to external, physical factors. i tried to be, but i couldnt. i totally knew what she meant, but at never thought at any point that i was unhappy with myself. i mean, i am awesome, what is there to be unhappy about? :) this only drew my further into my crazy funk, as i started questioning whether i was actually happy with myself or not. once again: FUCK.

i lasted 5 weeks in the jhb and headed straight back to cape town the minute i could. at this point, i was feeling pretty good about life and a lot more like my old self. but not quite yet...until i saw the lights of ct from the airplane window. a sense of calm suddenly came over me, and i realised what my problem had been the entire time. it actually was me and not the jhb! let me tell you why...

i had gotten a bad case of 'grass is greener' syndrome, and was in the belief that life would be better for me after some great moment, and it wasnt. i wasnt just appreciating the present self that i was before heading to jhb, and being that self, which is what i should have done. being present and fulfilled in my presence would have resulted in me taking in new lessons and experiences, and only bettering my personal self. with this, i realised that wherever you are, whatever you may be doing, yes, there are external factors that may play a role, but unless you are happy with yourself, you wont be happy no matter where you are or whatever it is that you are doing. that is the most important thing here.

so, in short, stop thinking about the greener grass on the other side of the fence, and rather work on your own back yard. by putting love, energy, sweat and tears into it, and cultivating that soil with your own soul. you can watch it grow and be proud of what it becomes. yes, there may be a few weeds, but its up to you to remove them (or keep them, its up to you). by looking into other yards, you will never find the yard that is perfect for you, and will search for your entire life. what a waste of time.

#imjussayin

rabi